Please bare with me in this post. It’s hard for me to write it, but i’m hoping by doing so it will make me feel a little better, more in the sense that it will be a weight lifted. I highly doubt I will gain any confidence from this post. I am sorry if this post offends anyone.
Ok so the past few days I have been really struggling with how I look, just thinking about it is making me feel a bit emotional. I am a healthy weight. 7stone 11lbs and 5ft tall well short haha. Even though I know that’s is an ideal weight for my height I can’t help but look at myself and think I need to lose some. I don’t! but its a thought that’s been there a while.
While I was pregnant it never bothered me. I wanted to gain weight but as soon as I hit the 3rd try my weight gain either slowed right down or I stopped gaining. I have never gained more the 16lbs in a pregnancy, and that’s from when I started gaining again after losing weight at the start. If I was to go from pre-pregnancy weight then I’ve never gained more then 6lbs. Pregnancy has been the only time I wanted to gain weight. I knew it was good for me to because my baby needed me to.
Now I am looked at all the bits I truly hate about my body. I hate my flabby belly, my big love handles and my big butt and thighs. It’s all things that can go with working out but I am struggling to get motivated.
I’ve been thinking about why I could be struggling so much with how my body looks. I guess is started when I was 17. I was anorexic from the age of 14 to 16. Age 17 I had gained the weight I needed to and was healthy again, I had also been dating my now husband a few months. I remember when we were out shopping one afternoon and there was a pretty large lady in front of us (sorry), he turned to me and said “if you ever got that big i’d have to leave you” He says he was joking but when you’ve been anorexic its not something you want to hear. To this day he doesn’t know that that is the reason why I struggle with my self image. I don’t think I could ever tell him.
I thought wearing more make up would make me feel better and it did for a little while. Until I saw people were staring as they walked passed me. Not just a quick look as you would, but a full on stare as they walk past me. Its mostly guys but it makes me feel like I looked stupid. I am still not used to wearing full face make up. I know if I did hubby would not let me leave the house or he would tell me I looked stupid but those thoughts are still there in my head.
I am hoping by writing this post in can look back later on in the year and see how far I have come. I am hoping I will have more confidence and would have come over my problem with how I see myself. I have been struggling with it on and off for 10 years. So to finally not care about how my body looks would be great. It would be more then great. Again I am sorry if this post offends anyone and to end things on a lighter note. I am going to be an aunt again. I have a niece or nephew due the day after my birthday. My youngest sister is having her first baby.