A pretty good day

I went to my mum in laws today with my boys as we do every Wednesday. We got talking about depression and body dismophier. She told never to go on antidepressants, as all they do is make you tired and sluggish. That’s the last thing you want when you are depressed and have kids to look after. Besides they are a last resort, and I’d rather battle this myself then pump drugs into me that are going to make me tired, sluggish and just not myself. My mum in law also figured that my depression and BDD (body dismophier) could be triggered by the fact the only thing I have control over is my body weight. I can’t have control in my flat we are not aloud to decorate, we can’t have pets of any sort, hang pictures up, its even in are agreement that we are not leave the flat if something like the washing machine is on.
We have what looks like water running down the wall every time we get heavy rain, yet apparently its down to us to sort. I just want out of this flat. I find excuses to get out. Even if there is nothing we need and I only have pennies to my name, I will still try and get out the flat. As a result of the damp and mould to the flat and not being able to make it feel like a home I guess i’m trying to change my body because it is the only thing I can control. Kind of. Ok so I have part control. As mum in law makes sure I eat lunch when I am there and husband makes sure I eat dinner. So really I don’t even have control of that.
At the moment i’m not really selling the whole good day part am I?
I was a good day honest. My mum in law asked to what on thing I liked about myself, and I said waist. I love the fact that my waist goes in nicely, I hate the fact it meets a bulging tummy and love handles. My husband is helping me with this though. He helps to work out most nights.
So what did make today a good day?
The fact that we may have figured out what has triggered my depression and BDD.
And the fact that I found out that there IS actually something I like about my body.
If I can like something about myself then so can you.


Sunday: Family post

With it being Easter Sunday it’s even more of an excuse to spend time with the family. I don’t know why we do it, we’re not religious but its what we have done for years. We went and saw my step mum and had a good conversation there, mainly about how my sister wants nothing to do with her yet still wants her to looks after her little girl. I told her about my BDD and explained that it had just been getting worse and its why I went to the doctor in the first place. The media really doesn’t help when it comes to things like BDD. There are far too many commenting being about how fat the nation is getting it is no wonder why there are people so worried about their body and how the look.
After seeing my step mum we went to hubby’s parents. where we had a lovely beef and pork roast. I actually got to hug my husband for a little while before our 2 year old came over crying because daddy is his. On the subject of my 2 year old. He did make me laugh the other day.
Me: Kyle, guess what
Kyle: What
Me: Love you
Kyle: It’s ok.

He has more understanding on things then my 3 year old. I think sometimes they try and go alone the same line when it comes to this subject as my 3 year is behind yet my 2 year old is  a little ahead.

While at my in laws we sat their watching my youngest (almost 5 months) trying to figure out if he is going to be a lefty or a righty. We think left. Just because its the hand he as more control with, the one he seems to favour. I would love for him to be a lefty. at least then I won’t be the only lefty in the household.

This little bit is for all my UK readers. As I type this I can hear the wind rattling my windows and the rain pouting them. Storm Katie has arrived, or the tail end of her at least. I hope you all stay safe and there is not too much damage where you are.


Bad moment

My husband has gone out for the evening, this is where my eating habits tend to change. I don’t eat a proper dinner and then I snack all evening. I feel so fat right now. I’ve had some noodles, a yogurt and some chocolate. I love my food but I hate the way it makes me feel. I shouldn’t be feeling like I am  a fat pig after eating. I’m not going to do anything stupid like making myself sick. I want to get better not make myself worse. Are mental health issues so hard to deal with?
You just feel so alone, like there isn’t anyone to talk to as you feel they won’t understand. On a brighter note I did my foundation slightly different today and I was actually quite pleased with how it looked.

Product review

I haven’t done one in a little while so thought I would do one tonight.
Tonight I am going to review Make up Revolution oil control fixing spray.
I was always under the impression that a fixing spray was meant to help keep your make up in place for longer. I am still pretty new to the whole make up scene so please bare with me and let me know if I get anything wrong.
So I’ve tried this spray a few times now at £5 a bottle I thought I was a fair to pay. My skin can get a little oily from time to time and quite a few people had been talking about fixing spray so thought I’d give it a go. As far as oil control goes it seems ok, as far as keeping your make up in place. Not so much. I found my make up actually went faster with the spray on then without. Now i’m not sure if this is because I applied a primer to my face before all my make up and fixing spray or not but I would have thought that shouldn’t have mattered. I have put in a link to the product. They say at one point that is uses “High Tech ingredients keep foundation and eye makeup in place, with NO smudging and NO fading. That ‘Just-Applied’ look for up to 12 hours”
So yea up to 12 hours, pretty much a days work for most. But what stands out most to me is the “with NO smudging and NO fading
They must be pretty confident in the product to say that. I must admit it did a good job on my eye shadow, the colour stayed all day. I still got that little bit where it clumps a little in the crease of your eyes but the colour stayed. My foundation how ever faded. By the time I went to take it off barely anything was left on my face.
The bottle it self is a nice simple design. I like the gold touch they have put on the bottle and I can’t stand the colour gold. I think where the gold has a bit of a shine to it, it adds a bit of elegance to it. Overall I rate the product 3 stars.


Edit – link is under the words make up revolution


Mixed bag

At the moment I kinda feel sad and upset. Hubby phoned me when he had finished work, he said that he was going to cook me dinner and we’d watch a film together. He did cook me dinner and it was lovely. He put the film on and promised he would not fall asleep. Well he did!! its not like he did a full day at work today. He had an extra 2 hours sleep then he would normally on a work day. Its made me feel that he doesn’t care enough to stay awake long enough to watch a film with me. I’ve been in the bedroom 2o minutes and he hasn’t even called out to me. All that makes me sound like a bitch, but we don’t do a lot together, so I was looking forward to actually doing something together.
Anyway went back to the doctors today. This time seeing my own doctor. He asked me a few questions, weighed and measured me. Showed me what my BMI is and gave me the number for a therapist. He said there isn’t anything else he can do, and if in 3 months time I still feel like this then i’d have to go on antidepressants. Which I really don’t want. I phoned the therapist and have an appointment on the 5th. I have pretty much also been diagnosed with depression and BDD.  I am glad I was actually being listen to but not sure how I feel about having to see a therapist.

Weekly photo challenge: Dance

This one was tricky. Only Because I looked at what the challenge was like 10 minutes ago. oopps. When I saw what the challenge was I thought about putting my camera on a tripod put the self timer on and then posing a dance position myself. I studied dance in college. It was great exercise. I was happy with my body then. Now not so much.
Any these are my photos for the weekly challenge.
A first dance. A newly wed couple dancing together for the first time. Looking into each others eyes, only thinking about one another while everyone around you is watching with smiles on their faces. A wedding one of the happiest days in a couples life. This was the second wedding I had photographed. Both weddings I have done have been family. Which has been handy to try and build up a portfolio







It’s Sunday!

Ok so yesterday was meant to be my first Saturday of posting my weekly photo challenge. I will be posting it after this post. Sorry its late. I ended up cuddling on the sofa with hubby and watched a film.
So if you are a regular to my blog you’ll know sundays are my family posts. This week saw an improvement in my eldest speech. Two sentences with more then 2 words. Today he tried beef spat it out and said “I don’t like it”. This might mean nothing to most. He’s 3 (just turned) and is behind with his speech and learning understanding. So to me this just shows how far he has come the last few weeks. For the first time in months he was actually excited to have a bath and we had no tears while I washed his hair. He’s figured he can cover his face to stop the water going into his eyes.
My second born his teething his final two teeth. he has been pretty grump the last week, I’ve put this down to the teething. He’s also started to want to walk more when we are out and about, not good when all the eldest wants to do is play fight and chase him.
Youngest has started showing an interest in food. He’s 4 and a half months. I am quite hesitant about giving him food before 6 months, but I think i’m not going to have a choice when he’s trying to take the food off us or watching every bite we eat.
I went over my mum in laws today as hubby and his dad went airsofting. Its a massive hobby of his and he is currently trying to get a team sorted. He has one but some of the members just don’t seem as into it as they should be for a team.

I will find it

A while ago on a make-up facebook group I am in I saw someone had posted a beautiful eye shadow colour. I believe it was by make up geek and the shade was cherry cola. I think. don’t count me on that though.
I have been hunting high and low for a cheaper alternative to it. Same shade of course. I haven’t found it yet. However I did read that Maybelline colour tattoo did a shade close to it. So I went looking for that. I knew quite a few stores did the product but surprisingly only one did the shade I was after. I got it anyway and it’s not quite the shade I would have like. I was hoping for it to be a bit darker. it goes on great. not sure how long it last as only just put it on, but it give it a better test tomorrow.


Going out of my comfort zone

For awhile I have wanted to do something to help improve my photography. I’m sure I’ve mentioned before about going to a camera club in my local area. Being the youngest one there I felt out of place, but seeing all them amazing photos was inspiring. It got me thinking about my own work and how much I really need to improve, but to even start to improve I need to be confident in myself, which is hard when I have none to begin with but hopefully come the 22nd that will start to change.
Anyway Wednesday I went to the camera club group again as they were doing a skills sessions. One guy seemed really it’s all about the DSLR. Which didn’t help me to build up any confidence in even starting to take photos that night. Anyway there was another photographer there who was great. He was more about it doesn’t matter the camera, its all down to lighten on how well a photo comes out. The settings on your camera make a difference as well. He was interested by mine, as it was a bridge camera and he hadn’t come across many. I think he quite enjoyed checking out the settings and what my camera can do.
I managed to take a few photos but there was only one or two I was happy with. I also got asked to do a bit of modelling as one of the girls there needed more people to take photos of. I was told that I was very photogenic and my skin and eye lashes were great. This helped with my confidence a little bit. Although still find it hard to believe. I think my skin is awful, big pores prone to spots and blackhead and can be a little oily.
I’ve started using a new face scrub. You use once or twice a week. I use it twice a week. I am going to use this for a weeks and then let you know what the product is and what I think of it. I have also started using micellar cleansing water rather then wipes and then using toner after. Again I will review these in a few weeks. It will be interesting to see if it makes much difference in my skin at all. I should be moisturising as well but I am really bad for remembering to do that.