Weekly Photo Challenge: Admiration

This weeks photo challenge is admiration.

I admire my mum in law.
When I was 19 I had been with my husband then boyfriend (her eldest) only 2 years. I was having troubles at home, Basically hated seeing my mum waste money on drink and fags, wasting tax payers money. I hated going home. It was her and her husband that suggested I moved in. It took a few times of them asking before I actually did. She always looks out for me.
She’s gone through a lot her self, She’s beaten depression and body dismorphier. Pretty much sticking her middle finger up at them. She’s turned her life around. I feel I can talk to her about anything. Something I could never do with my mum, not that I like calling her mum, It kinda felt like she didn’t really want us and that she was doing a half arsed job trying to bring us up.
Anyway when I was in and out of hospital in my 3rd pregnancy it was my mum in law that always looked after my boys, when I was working she’d finish her shift and go straight into looking after my boys so I could work. She dose a lot for me my husband and our boys.



I don’t like it

Today was my eldest first day at nursery school. I think I did pretty well holding back the tears. When I went to pick him they had said he has loved being there and he was really well behaved. I hope he keeps it up. His learning understanding is behind so it can be hard for him to understand things going on around him. Sometimes He’ll go right in to a situation head first and not even think about it, like when his youngest brother was born. When we brought him home, he just wanted to cuddle his baby brother. He is such a loving child, others times he hasn’t understood what is going on is a sunday when the shops close early, he doesn’t understand why or when I tell him he can’t have something because we don’t have the money for it. Or evening sometimes the word share or when I ask him to find something.
Seeing him off to nursery school just made the last 3 years flash before me. From the moment I finally got the positive test 4 days before my birthday, when my consultant told me at 36 weeks I needed to be induced early, the first thought going through my head when I saw him for the first time. Holding him for the first time, taking his first steps a few weeks after my dad passed away. So many memories going through my head.
My second son was a little lost without him I think. He played for a little bit by him self but then got bored. bless him.
I can’t get over how fast the last 3 years have gone.


I don’t know why I feel so sad about it, I had a feeling I wouldn’t do well or as well as I would have liked. I would have liked to at least cover the cost for the products I needed but I have barely done that. I had someone want 5 order forms from me. was meant to pick them up today and have heard nothing from her. I’ve been to her house twice and have messaged her. I feel so let down. It’s hard to decide whether I should carry on, I guess I shouldn’t let just one person mess it up for the small number of customers that have ordered.
I have recently started working for Avon. I know its hard work running your own business, the last few days I have really lack energy and I think this is partly why I feel so down today.

A pick me up

Sorry there was no sunday post. not much had happened so couldn’t think of anything to write.
My eldest starts nursery on Monday. I know he’ll love it.
my mum in law is taken me and my sister in law away for the weekend next month. We are going butlins in Bognor. its a back together weekend where a few bands play over the weekend. some I haven’t  heard in ages. I can not wait. its going to be hard being away from my boys and husband but its a much needed weekend away before hubby gets into the forces.
I started doing Avon last week. hoping it will help with my depression and anxiety. I put in first orders this weekend. At the moment I have at least £35 worth of orders but need mire to be able to put the order in. I am hoping it dose well.  We will see.

A little update

I’ve been a little quite this week. I guess it’s mainly because I just don’t know what to write about anymore. I keep thinking my blog is boring. Come on who wants to read about someone’s life going down the drain? That’s how it feels at the moment. It feels like I have no control over anything in my life. I tidy my living god knows how many times a day. I find that even if I don’t need to leave the flat i’m finding excuses to leave just so i’m not tidy 4 – 5 times a day. Yes I have kids, Yes they make a mess, they are kids. kids make mess, but I just want to be able to control on thing in my life. It seems the only thing I can control in a medical point of view is my weight. I’ve managed to stay the same weight since having my 3rd son. I want to lose more, but not to the point it makes me ill. I love my family too much for that.
Anyway we are about 4 months into this journey of trying to become a some what yummy mummy, trying to gain confidence in myself.
What have I learnt in them 4 months?
I have depression!
something I have been telling myself for years that I don’t.

I have anxiety!
Something I know nothing about and never thought it would be something i’d suffer with.

I have an eating disorder!
Something I had when I was 13 that I thought I had managed to over come. I have my review from a therapist on Wednesday, an eating disorder was one thing she mentioned, which I will be getting help with.

I have body dysmorphia disorder (BDD) it explains quite a bit about how I feel about myself.

I am hoping now that I know whats is wrong with me I might be able to better myself. Be happy like I used to be. i’m not saying i’m not happy. I am happy. I just mean not having to worry about every little thing.

So in 4 months I have learnt a fair bit about myself. I am hoping in the next 4 months I will have more confidence then I do now.

Sunday family post

Well this week as been pretty good

Monday the two eldest had a dentist appointment. 2nd born (kyle) when on the chair no problems started crying when asked to open his month. Handy in a way as he cries with his mouth open. 1st born (james) refused to go the chair and refused to open his mouth.

Tuesday we went to my mum in laws as I had my first phone call from a therapist. My mum in law took the two eldest over to feed the ducks so I could do my call with out them distracting me. 45 minutes I was on the phone. They asked so many questions trying to figure out what triggered everything. I score high for depression and anxiety.

Wednesday I had a dentist appointment I got a tooth taken out so it meant my boys were at my mum in laws, she sent me home after so I could rest where I had the therapist call me again asking more questions.

Thursday we stayed in. so not really much happened other then me cleaning the living room 4 times so the boys still had room to play.

Friday we went into town. I needed to get some compost so I could plant some herb seeds. I want to make my own little herb garden. Phoned my sister in law to tell her that a store had a reduced baby monitor then got invited round my mum in laws. Hubby had his medical for the forces. He passed. we are one step closer to being a military family again. Hubby’s sister’s husband wants to join the forces as well, a different one from my hubby as they do more of the career he wants.

Yesterday both the eldest two put their bottles in the bin. I cut of the teat to James’s showed him the bottle and told him it was broken, asked him to put it in the bin for me which he replied “oh no, broken, bin”. Kyle then ran and grabbed his bottle said bin and threw his in the bin. That night I was expecting it to be harder then it was. They didn’t even ask for their bottles once.

Today I made a chicken casserole. James who never tries anything, hates anything brightly coloured unless its sweets actually ate it. He was picking out the carrots to eat them first, saying yum as he ate them. He drew all over the walls this afternoon but the fact that he ate carrots or even tried my casserole has made me so proud of him. This weekend he really has given me reasons to be proud of him.


Weekly photo challenge: Future

When I think about future in a photo I imagine children, after all they are our future. Or maybe a photo that some how shows all the seasons, an old pocket watch placed on the pages of a discoloured book. Future can be shown in a photo in so many ways but its all down to how the person taken the photo see future.
When I think about future, I think what kind of future are we giving are children, are we going to be able to give them a future they deserve?

2 years ago

For a while I have been trying to get hold of the new make up revolution fortune favors palette. Their website had sold out, Superdrug website rang out quickly but a few days ago I went into my local superdrug store and there it was. I  wasn’t going to buy anymore make up as I am still waiting on an order to be dispatched, but I could not pass it up as I did not know how long I would have to wait to get hold of it again. I am going to review this product at the end of the month. At the moment I am loving it.

Now to the blog title.
2 years ago today I lost my dad suddenly to a heart attack. He was in hospital 4 days when he passed. They tried everything to keep him alive. They had all the machines hooked up to him keeping everything going, but slowly his body started shutting down. Standing at his hospital bed seeing him the way he was was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I am hoping one day this time of year will be easier, but I know it never will be. He was only 50. Today was made harder by someone knocking on my door and asking if my mum or dad was in. I am 27. I don’t look that young for someone to be asking if my parents are in. My dad meant the world to me, He always knew when I needed help, I never had to ask. He knew how much I hated asking for help. My 2nd little boy was only 6 weeks old when he passed away. I am just thankful I got one last photo of him, even if it was 6 weeks before he passed away.


Sunday post

If you read my blog often you will know sundays are my family posts.
Our eldest is showing improvement in his speech pretty much every week. Our 2nd born shows us everyday just how clever he is. I look at him and you are so going to be the brain box of the family. There are quite a few moments where he’ll try and have a full blown conversation with you but you can’t really understand what it is he is saying, But he’s two so that’s going to happen.
Our youngest is a chatter box, He coos at lot, he even laughed to himself yesterday. I love listening to him when he is in his chatter box mode. He is such a happy baby. I love it.
On Friday my mum in law took me, my boys and my brother in laws girlfriend to a farm trail. Which was really nice. We there a good 3 4 hours.
Yesterday we took the boys to Portsmouth and got them some clothes. I told myself I wouldn’t buy anymore make up, but ended up buying 2 foundations and a contour palette. It was on 3 for 2 and I really needed to get more foundation.
This week hasn’t been as stressful as some weeks. I have been stressed, upset, depressed and constantly worried about something or other, but with everything going on at the moment it’s hard not to feel the way I do.
It’s coming up to the 2nd year anniversary of my dad’s death. I’ll talk more about it on the day. hopefully.
Today we went over to my mum in laws, The boys played in the garden while their granddad built another fence around their pond to stop their puppy from getting in there. The one they had up the puppy managed to find a way to get round it and ended up head first into the pond.
We haven’t really done much else this week. I keep asking hubby when we can start packing. Where hubby is re-joining the forces I just want to start packing ready for when we move.