Weekly photo challenge: One Love

Usually I would do this on a Wednesday but as i’m am not sure if I will be online tomorrow I thought I would post today. After this photo challenge I will be doing them on a Saturday.

This week’s photo challenge is one love. I knew exactly what or should I say my one love is, but trying to get a photo of him that I was happy with has proven my most challenging yet. One love has a different meaning to everyone. For some one love could an object. Maybe it’s something they seek comfort in. Others it could be a person.
My one love is my husband, a pain in the bum but he is someone I could not do without. He keeps me going when I have my bad days. He knows just the words to say to make be laugh.

It’s not the best of photos, I would have preferred a better one but he’s not all that photogenic. This was taken shortly after my 2nd son was born, I think around 3 months.

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sam&me

This is one of my favourite photos of us, it’s a day i’ll never forget. Although times I wish I didn’t go for the first dress I tried on but it was the dress I pictured when he popped the question.

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Did it again

I honestly felt like the doctor I saw yesterday was of no help, she didn’t listen. So I came away no better off, feeling like I am wasting time. When I told my husband he said that they have a care of duty and when it comes to mental health it has to be taken seriously. He told me to phone for another doctors appointment.
I know I have repeated parts of yesterdays post but if I hadn’t would todays make any sense?
So I rang up the doctors this morning and asked to get an appointment with my own doctor, It means having to wait over a week to see him but that just goes to show how good of a doctor he is. My husband has booked the morning off work to watch the boys while I go. Hopefully I can get an answer to why I am feeling like this because it can’t be normal to feel this low about my body and to hate my body so much.

On the brighter side I posted a photo I took the other day on my local facebook group page and have been pretty much invited to join a camera club. when I say pretty much. He asked if I had thought about joining the camera club and then gave me a link to their website. So pretty much an invite. Which did make my day.

Weekly photo challenge: Harmony

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I took this on mother’s day (UK mother’s day). I was sat on a large rock cliff edge sort of thing. To big to be a rock but to small to be a cliff. The sea was out, when it’s in it usually comes up right over the concrete. A train use to travel along this. The metal bit in the middle use to turn part of the bridge to allow boats through when a train was not crossing.
I love coming here. listening to the birds overhead, sometimes you can hear the waves hit the rocks further along the harbour. The traffic travel along the bridge around 400 years away spoils it a little but block that out and it’s my perfect harmony.

Make up of the day

I haven’t done one in awhile, so thought I probably should do one today. At the moment I don’t like uploading unedited photos of myself. I feel I can hide a bit with edited ones. I don’t do any touch ups just change the exposure a little and add a hazelnut filter. I use the Fhotoroom app to edit my photos.

I really need to sort out my eyebrows, and I can never seem to get my eyeliner to look the same.
Anyway on my face today

  • Foundation is Ivory and it’s one from Avon. I like this one because you can’t really tell that you are wearing any. The coverage it ok too. It cost around £7.
  • Eyeliner is  felt eyeliner. At the moment I LOVE these. They go on so nicely and looks so much nicer then pencil. This one is an Essence one.Available at Wilko (Wilkinson) for around £2.50 I think it was.
  • Eye shadow is from one of many Make Up Revolution eye shadow pallets I have. I have gone for 3 different shades of peach, two mattes and one shimmer. Their pallets are from £4. This one was £6 I think.
  • Lipstick is another Make up Revolution product. I’m quite liking nudes and purples are the moment and for £1 it’s worth giving it a good. Feels great on but doesn’t have a lot of staying power.
  • Blusher is I believe yet more Make up revaluation. Think I over did it here though.

    Talking about the products is easy. I like to share what I think about products, I also like hear what others think about them. It’s the uploading of photos of myself that I find is the hard bit.

Mothers Day

It’s Sunday, so that means a post about family. It’s also mothers day. So firstly Happy mothers day to all you mums and mums to be out there. I hope you all had a good day and got spoilt even if it was just your other half doing some washing for you haha.
So today started off with my husband letting the two eldest out of their room so they good give me my mothers day card. Eldest just came in my room, card in hand and said “here ya”. he’s 3 so did not expect much but it was cute non the less, 2nd born came after said “hi” and walked out again. A little while later my husband came in with 2 slices of toast for me, so that was my breakfast in bed. I still felt bad that I could not eat it all. I rarely eat in the morning. Usually because I forget to feed myself or i’m just not hungry.
We usually do a food shop on a Saturday but thought that everyone would be out doing last minute shops for their mums so decided we would do it today and it was just as busy.
After shopping my husband sent me out so I could do a bit of photography. I don’t often get the chance so it was nice to be able to get out on my own for a bit and capture some photos even if the weather wasn’t quite how I would have preferred it.

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This week has been pretty stressful. The two eldest have done nothing but cry, moan and do things they shouldn’t be doing. Oh and not listening. I’ve had quite a few people go “oh don’t you have your hands full” or “i know how you feel, I had 3 boys myself”. I often wonder if they do actually know how I feel then they say “but mine weren’t so close together as yours”. Well yea no, no you don’t know how I feel. I am a mixed bag of emotions at the moment and i’m hoping Wednesday will finally be the start of a better me and then I can continue this journey on becoming a more confident person.

Just lately me eldest has got into say “thank you much”. I have no idea where he has got it from. We have taught our boys manners from the moment they started trying to say words. So we know where the thank you has come from, just not the much added on the end. I must admit though it is really cute.

It was my dad’s birthday on the 4th. He would have been 52. This is the 2nd birthday without him. I remember his 50th. I asked him what he wanted for his birthday, usually he would joke and say something like a Harley, knowing it was never going to happen, that year I got him a Phil Collins CD, I remember how he said that he would love to go see him perform as he had never had the chance to. I recently heard that he maybe touring again soon, my dad would have loved that. Anyway. The year of his 50th I asked the same question I did every year “dad, what do you want for your birthday” “don’t worry about me this year, it’s not like anyone bothers anyway”. It broke my heart to hear him say that ” well i’m getting your something anyway” “get it next year” he says. I don’t know if he knew then that there would not be a next year or not, but I know shortly before his death he did. About a week before he passed away I looked at a photo I had taken of him. it was a photo of him holding my 2nd born, then only a few days old. I remember thinking that it was the last photo I was going to get of him. I wanted to tell my dad he needed to change his life style and needed to change it quickly, I never thought for one second that a week later I would be stood by his bed in hospital hooked up to all the machines trying to keep him alive. On the anniversary of his death I will probably talk more about my dad. People say their parent are not just a parent but a best friend but my dad was truly that, He wasn’t just my dad, he was my best friend. Always knew when something was wrong. He never had to ask, he just knew.

Sorry for such a long post today and ending on such a downer.
Family are everything even if sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.

 

Bite the bullet

Well I did it. I have taken the next step in trying to sort myself out. I have phoned my doctors and have an appointment on Wednesday, as Wednesday is photo challenge day I will have to update you all next Thursday.
I’m not sure how to feel at the moment. There is a lot going on in my mind, today hasn’t helped matters, my two eldest have made a very stressful afternoon. Having 2 so close in age is very hard work when all they want to do is fight each other or run around the shops making me look like the bad parent because I am shouting at them. I wanted to cry in the middle of the high street today. I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take having to keep shouting at them asking them to stay with me and not to run off, I couldn’t take people staring at me. I just wanted to cry and let it all out, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t let people see me letting everything get to me, I didn’t want to have a break down in the middle of the high street. I just want a hug. I want my husband to come into the bedroom and give me a hug, tell me everything is ok even though its not, but he’s currently snoring on the sofa in the living room. I can hear him and it irritates the hell out of me. Not the fact that he’s a sleep at 9:30 in the evening just the sound of him snoring. I can’t that sound. its more like a loud breathing.
I just turned to my 4 month old, he smiled at me then started blowing a raspberry.

Weekly photo challenge: State of mind

Well after my post yesterday I had a few ideas of what to do, but that would mean a full length mirror and a set of scales to which neither I have. I wanted to do something that shows that even though you are there your not always visible and sometimes you feel like you are in a lonely place looking out into the world. I then remembered a photo I took last week I think it was, may have been the week before and thought it would be perfect

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The moon.
It’s there but you can’t always see it. It’s a lonely place looking into the world.
I don’t really have much to say. It’s hard to show one’s state of mind when they are only just realising it their self.

 

photo challenge

Would it be worth it?

This is a hard post for me to write.
I have spoken in past posts about body image and my lack of confidence. I avoid magazines and news articles because of the pressure it can to look a certain way. Yet everyday I look at myself and hate the way I look. I hate what I see.
I hate my thighs and how chunky they look,
I hate my hair and how thin and flat it is,
I hate my skin and how big my pours are,
I hate my boobs and how small there are,
I hate my belly and how flabby it is,
I hate how much of a belly I have.

I find it hard to look at myself and see something I like.
For the past few days I have been thinking about maybe going to see my doctor about it. It’s something I have been battling for around 10 years. I could never stop eating as I love food, but trying to self myself I am not as fat as I think I am is hard. I don’t want to waste the doctors time they have more important patients to treat. I don’t want to go to the doctors for them just to stick me on anti-depression tablets, I don’ want them to send me to counselling, but I need to get this sorted. I am stuck in what to do.

If you felt the same way what would you do?

Sorry if this post offends anyone, that is not my intention.

 

 

I love my boys, I love my Husband, I love my family

I plan on making Sunday posts, what Sundays I do posts on all about family. Family is a big thing for me. Without them I am nothing. Ok so yes being a mum to 3 boys, 3 very young boys is stressful, its hard, the two eldest fight everyday but then the all do something that melts my heart. My youngest is almost 4 months old and he has started laughing, it is amazing how ticklish he is. My eldest turned 3 today and seeing how caring he is is great. I love the fact that when my 2nd boy (turned 2 last week)is upset my eldest will go over to my 2 year old and say “it’s all right” and give him a cuddle. My boys do push my buttons and I do think why did I have them all so close together. Although not all were planned, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I love my boys. I love my husband. I love my family. It’s a little sad knowing we will never have more children but in truth I wouldn’t be able to cope with more, nor would my body. I have already been told not to have anymore as it will result in more hospital admissions due to pain and morning sickness.

I know they next few months are going to be hard, not that the last 2 years hasn’t. It has been a real struggle. The husband is re-joining the forces so he’ll be away training which will be hard on both me and my boys. I am so used to him coming home every night. The longest we have spent apart since we started dating nearly 10 years ago is about 3 or 4 weeks, but I had 2 jobs to keep me busy and I was not as stressed as I am now. I see this year being the turning point for us. The turning point for the better.

Without family we are nothing.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Seasons

One of my hobbies is photography. I love being able to get out (which doesn’t happen often) and try and capture that perfect photo, or at least a photo I am happy with. The last few years our winters have become mild and stormy. I haven’t seen a good amount of snow since my eldest was about 2 weeks old in 2013.
This photo I captured about a month ago maybe a little more, I added a HDR edit to make it a little more dramatic. waves2

This photo was taken on Hayling Island seafront at around 3 in the afternoon as the sun had started to set. There was a break in the cloud that aloud me to see a little sun but felt that it wasn’t worth taking a photo of as I would not have been happy with the results.
Seasons