Health problems

Life at the moment just seems to be as one thing goes well something has to go down hill and that happens to be my health. Everything with the boyfriend is great, we’ve only known each other 6 months but I honestly feel I’ve known him so much longer. Sex is always spontaneous which I love, it’s never dull, he knows the right things to do without out me saying. I can feel myself falling in love with this guy and that’s scary. I’m so scared that come when I have to move 200 miles away that he’ll not want me anymore. I’m hoping that won’t be the case and kinda up sets me thinking about it. Anyway so yea love life going well, health not to much. I was admitted to hospital a month ago. Went back last week as the doctor wanted to check me over, they diagnosed me with hypersensitivity of the abdomen. The next day I find a lump in my torso, went to the doctors beginning of the week, lump is a lymph luckily because it’s smooth he doesn’t think it’s anything to worry about, had some blood tests to check blood count and thyroid function because of I’m eating more and not really gained much weight, eating more is unusual for me, suffering badly with night sweats even doing simple things like hovering i’ll be sweating. Always tired no matter how much I sleep. keep getting random twitches over my body, depression is worsen because of me eating more I can see that I am gaining weight but the scales don’t match with the weight gain I can see in myself. The boyfriend is happy because my boobs have gotten bigger, they never normally do, and thinking about all that you are probably thinking, you sure your not pregnant?
Yes! I am very sure I am NOT pregnant. I’m on the pill, I take it the same time everyday, apart from during my 7 day break where we don’t have sex because I bleed from day 2 to 6, plus I do test every now and then to rule it out just because my youngest is a result of a spilt condom and failed morning after pill.
Plus trying to find somewhere to live hasn’t been great. I have less then 4 weeks to find somewhere, council are not much help  and estate agents don’t take people with housing benefit even if you do have a pretty good credit score, higher then average for my age group actually.
So currently a lot of stress on my plate but when the boyfriend is round none of that seems to matter, I feel safe with him, like nothing can hurt me, nothing can get to me, with him around even my depression can’t get me.
They say life only throws the things at you that you can handle, i’m not so sure that’s true in some ways. I’m struggling really bad with everything going on in my life, I go around pretending its not bothering me and that I can handle anything thrown at me, but that’s not true, I can’t handle anymore bad luck, I can’t handle the thought of not knowing whats happening next month. I’m meant to be looking forward to my birthday but instead i’m wondering am I going to be homeless for my birthday. Lets face it the last 3 birthdays have been pretty awful, would love it if this one was different.

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It’s been awhile

A lot has happened since my last post. I turned 28 and because of how poor we are at the moment all my husband could do was get me a birthday card from our 3 boys. It was actually quite upsetting that we can’t even afford to get a birthday card. He doesn’t know how much it hurts me, he knows that my depression is partly because of our money situation, but doesn’t realise that the fact that he couldn’t even get a card from him self upset me.
My birthday wasn’t great. We found out that we had to sort out a removal van ourselves after being told that it would be sorted for us. We were due to move 2 days later, So yea a very stressful upsetting birthday.
Luckily my husbands granma managed to sort something out for us even if it was the wrong size van,  can’t complain she helps us so much when we need it. The van we got meant having to do 2 trips to get all our stuff to the new house. Now that’s not so bad if your only moving 30 40 minutes down the road. We were moving 4 hours down the road. That’s 4 hours one way. So hubby didn’t get back till 5am so he didn’t get much sleep as we had to be up to do the rest of the tip run and go get our boys as they stayed over their nanny’s the night before. What should have been a 4 hour drive turned into 6 and a half because of traffic, the car over heating 3 times and having to stop for dinner.
We’ve gone from living 2 minute walk from the sea front, close to a city to living near the country side where the closest city or town you have to drive to. There is a village but I think even that isn’t really walking distance when you have 3 young kids.
We have a little shop across the road so it’s not all that bad, a  fairly big park around the coroner and a indoor play area behind the shops. I’ve met a few people who like me are quite shy, so this helps me a little. One lady I have been talking to who I have met a few times also suffers with depression and anxiety and also has 3 under 3. a 3 years old and a set of twins who have just turned 2.
I went to the doctor in my new area last week to get help with my depression and other mental health issues, and I have to started the whole getting help process again. In the mean time there are a few groups that help people like me and I have someone coming over Monday for a chat. Basically they just sit there and listen and help in anyway they can while I wait to be seen by a therapist or councillor. Trying to explain what they do without saying who they are is actually quite hard. If I said who they are then it would give the game away to what my husband dose and with recent events not such a good idea.
I’ve been feeling low about myself again it doesn’t help I’ve been pretty bloated and my IBS has flared up and that makes me feel pretty ugly in it self. I do wonder if it would be worth me writing my feelings down for when I do start therapy. kinda like a mood dairy I guess. Maybe it would help them to help me a bit quicker, At least that way I won’t be taking up too much of their time. What if someone else needs it more then I do. I know I am an emotional wreck at times and my depression is just getting on top of me but there is always someone who’s worse off them me. Isn’t there?
Oh how could I forget, my baby sister had her baby boy shortly after we moved, we went back down the weekend after so we could meet him. He was adorable. I have a friend who at this very moment is in the middle of her induction for her labour. Almost seems as slow as mine, but for after 14 hours my baby was just getting distress so ended up having a section. I am really hoping that that’s not how it’s going to end for her.
Wow sorry wasn’t expecting to writing so much. If you stuck around to read all that thank you. It means a lot to have someone sit there and actually read the stuff I writing even if it is me talking a load of rubbish.

Things can only get better

The song currently being blurted out from the workmen’s van outside my flat. I don’t mind, it’s gone 9am and its quite a good song to listen to. it really beats all the techno stuff played on a Friday and Saturday evening.
Kinda sounds like they are listening to Wave.fm. It’s a local radio station for Hampshire and Dorset area.
Things can only get better” I do often wonder how true that is. Sometimes it’s hard to believe. I mean there is so much going on at the moment and the whole thing of not knowing what is going on regarding housing doesn’t help. Our land lady has given us our notice and we have to be out by the end of July. She doesn’t  want to do a monthly rolling contract. She knows hubby is joining the forces and knows when he starts, so she has given us an extra on that for the mod to house us. This is just adding to the stress as I don’t know what houses are like where we are going. I don’t know how many are empty. I don’t know if it’s going to be ready for us to move into when we need it.
Can’t you tell there is a lot on my mind at the moment?

To add to the stress my Avon isn’t doing well, the only person that is helping me to break even or just make a pound or two is my step-mum. She did a £72 order this time. If it wasn’t for her orders I wouldn’t even be earning anything at all as would not be meeting minimum sales . This really is not the job to be in when you are stupidly shy, suffer with depression and anxiety and suffer with body dismophier  All because you blame yourself for not being able to get the sales even though you are doing the best you can, and your worried about how people see you.
I really hope I can someday control all these feelings. I would say get over them, but I think that would be the wrong term to use. I don’t think it’s something you can just get over. It takes years of telling yourself you are better then how you see yourself, you are better then how you feel. I wish I could believe that, but at the moment I just don’t.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning. BIG MISTAKE!! where I am feeling pretty bloated (because of IBS I think) I look like I did when I was about 18 weeks pregnant. Now I know there is a very small chance of me being pregnant. Husband had the snip in February. That’s a point he’s due a test next month. Just to make sure the snip did work.

Sorry I have really rambled on today. But whats better a post that’s short and pretty much pointless reading, or a post that rambles a little and you get an sense of how the poster is feeling?
I know which I prefer.

 

I wish it would get easier

Well came back off holiday Monday, had a great time so much so I want to take my boys next year. Now I am back though the worrying about everything is back, the depression is back, the whole hating my body is back. I’m finding it all hard to cope with. I feel my family don’t understand. I would love to be able to have someone to sit there and talk to about it all that I know and that has gone through this, but there isn’t anyone. My mum in law has gone through depression and bdd but I still feel she doesn’t quite understand. She always wanted to gain weight me however wants to lose it. I want my college body back. I lack motivation which is my main problem. I think the depression is partly to blame for that. I think once I have over come depression I can start getting my life the way I want it. For me to be happy with my body most of the time and not just once in a blue moon, for us to have money problems and me contently worrying do we have enough for bills and enough to feed ourselves. I want to be happy again. Feel like I did when I was on holiday where I didn’t worry so much. I am hoping the next few months will bring a nice change. A new start, a happier start, less stress, less worrying about things.

A little update

I’ve been a little quite this week. I guess it’s mainly because I just don’t know what to write about anymore. I keep thinking my blog is boring. Come on who wants to read about someone’s life going down the drain? That’s how it feels at the moment. It feels like I have no control over anything in my life. I tidy my living god knows how many times a day. I find that even if I don’t need to leave the flat i’m finding excuses to leave just so i’m not tidy 4 – 5 times a day. Yes I have kids, Yes they make a mess, they are kids. kids make mess, but I just want to be able to control on thing in my life. It seems the only thing I can control in a medical point of view is my weight. I’ve managed to stay the same weight since having my 3rd son. I want to lose more, but not to the point it makes me ill. I love my family too much for that.
Anyway we are about 4 months into this journey of trying to become a some what yummy mummy, trying to gain confidence in myself.
What have I learnt in them 4 months?
I have depression!
something I have been telling myself for years that I don’t.

I have anxiety!
Something I know nothing about and never thought it would be something i’d suffer with.

I have an eating disorder!
Something I had when I was 13 that I thought I had managed to over come. I have my review from a therapist on Wednesday, an eating disorder was one thing she mentioned, which I will be getting help with.

I have body dysmorphia disorder (BDD) it explains quite a bit about how I feel about myself.

I am hoping now that I know whats is wrong with me I might be able to better myself. Be happy like I used to be. i’m not saying i’m not happy. I am happy. I just mean not having to worry about every little thing.

So in 4 months I have learnt a fair bit about myself. I am hoping in the next 4 months I will have more confidence then I do now.

A pretty good day

I went to my mum in laws today with my boys as we do every Wednesday. We got talking about depression and body dismophier. She told never to go on antidepressants, as all they do is make you tired and sluggish. That’s the last thing you want when you are depressed and have kids to look after. Besides they are a last resort, and I’d rather battle this myself then pump drugs into me that are going to make me tired, sluggish and just not myself. My mum in law also figured that my depression and BDD (body dismophier) could be triggered by the fact the only thing I have control over is my body weight. I can’t have control in my flat we are not aloud to decorate, we can’t have pets of any sort, hang pictures up, its even in are agreement that we are not leave the flat if something like the washing machine is on.
We have what looks like water running down the wall every time we get heavy rain, yet apparently its down to us to sort. I just want out of this flat. I find excuses to get out. Even if there is nothing we need and I only have pennies to my name, I will still try and get out the flat. As a result of the damp and mould to the flat and not being able to make it feel like a home I guess i’m trying to change my body because it is the only thing I can control. Kind of. Ok so I have part control. As mum in law makes sure I eat lunch when I am there and husband makes sure I eat dinner. So really I don’t even have control of that.
At the moment i’m not really selling the whole good day part am I?
I was a good day honest. My mum in law asked to what on thing I liked about myself, and I said waist. I love the fact that my waist goes in nicely, I hate the fact it meets a bulging tummy and love handles. My husband is helping me with this though. He helps to work out most nights.
So what did make today a good day?
The fact that we may have figured out what has triggered my depression and BDD.
And the fact that I found out that there IS actually something I like about my body.
If I can like something about myself then so can you.

Bad moment

My husband has gone out for the evening, this is where my eating habits tend to change. I don’t eat a proper dinner and then I snack all evening. I feel so fat right now. I’ve had some noodles, a yogurt and some chocolate. I love my food but I hate the way it makes me feel. I shouldn’t be feeling like I am  a fat pig after eating. I’m not going to do anything stupid like making myself sick. I want to get better not make myself worse. Are mental health issues so hard to deal with?
You just feel so alone, like there isn’t anyone to talk to as you feel they won’t understand. On a brighter note I did my foundation slightly different today and I was actually quite pleased with how it looked.

Mixed bag

At the moment I kinda feel sad and upset. Hubby phoned me when he had finished work, he said that he was going to cook me dinner and we’d watch a film together. He did cook me dinner and it was lovely. He put the film on and promised he would not fall asleep. Well he did!! its not like he did a full day at work today. He had an extra 2 hours sleep then he would normally on a work day. Its made me feel that he doesn’t care enough to stay awake long enough to watch a film with me. I’ve been in the bedroom 2o minutes and he hasn’t even called out to me. All that makes me sound like a bitch, but we don’t do a lot together, so I was looking forward to actually doing something together.
Anyway went back to the doctors today. This time seeing my own doctor. He asked me a few questions, weighed and measured me. Showed me what my BMI is and gave me the number for a therapist. He said there isn’t anything else he can do, and if in 3 months time I still feel like this then i’d have to go on antidepressants. Which I really don’t want. I phoned the therapist and have an appointment on the 5th. I have pretty much also been diagnosed with depression and BDD.  I am glad I was actually being listen to but not sure how I feel about having to see a therapist.

Going out of my comfort zone

For awhile I have wanted to do something to help improve my photography. I’m sure I’ve mentioned before about going to a camera club in my local area. Being the youngest one there I felt out of place, but seeing all them amazing photos was inspiring. It got me thinking about my own work and how much I really need to improve, but to even start to improve I need to be confident in myself, which is hard when I have none to begin with but hopefully come the 22nd that will start to change.
Anyway Wednesday I went to the camera club group again as they were doing a skills sessions. One guy seemed really it’s all about the DSLR. Which didn’t help me to build up any confidence in even starting to take photos that night. Anyway there was another photographer there who was great. He was more about it doesn’t matter the camera, its all down to lighten on how well a photo comes out. The settings on your camera make a difference as well. He was interested by mine, as it was a bridge camera and he hadn’t come across many. I think he quite enjoyed checking out the settings and what my camera can do.
I managed to take a few photos but there was only one or two I was happy with. I also got asked to do a bit of modelling as one of the girls there needed more people to take photos of. I was told that I was very photogenic and my skin and eye lashes were great. This helped with my confidence a little bit. Although still find it hard to believe. I think my skin is awful, big pores prone to spots and blackhead and can be a little oily.
I’ve started using a new face scrub. You use once or twice a week. I use it twice a week. I am going to use this for a weeks and then let you know what the product is and what I think of it. I have also started using micellar cleansing water rather then wipes and then using toner after. Again I will review these in a few weeks. It will be interesting to see if it makes much difference in my skin at all. I should be moisturising as well but I am really bad for remembering to do that.

Did it again

I honestly felt like the doctor I saw yesterday was of no help, she didn’t listen. So I came away no better off, feeling like I am wasting time. When I told my husband he said that they have a care of duty and when it comes to mental health it has to be taken seriously. He told me to phone for another doctors appointment.
I know I have repeated parts of yesterdays post but if I hadn’t would todays make any sense?
So I rang up the doctors this morning and asked to get an appointment with my own doctor, It means having to wait over a week to see him but that just goes to show how good of a doctor he is. My husband has booked the morning off work to watch the boys while I go. Hopefully I can get an answer to why I am feeling like this because it can’t be normal to feel this low about my body and to hate my body so much.

On the brighter side I posted a photo I took the other day on my local facebook group page and have been pretty much invited to join a camera club. when I say pretty much. He asked if I had thought about joining the camera club and then gave me a link to their website. So pretty much an invite. Which did make my day.