Health problems

Life at the moment just seems to be as one thing goes well something has to go down hill and that happens to be my health. Everything with the boyfriend is great, we’ve only known each other 6 months but I honestly feel I’ve known him so much longer. Sex is always spontaneous which I love, it’s never dull, he knows the right things to do without out me saying. I can feel myself falling in love with this guy and that’s scary. I’m so scared that come when I have to move 200 miles away that he’ll not want me anymore. I’m hoping that won’t be the case and kinda up sets me thinking about it. Anyway so yea love life going well, health not to much. I was admitted to hospital a month ago. Went back last week as the doctor wanted to check me over, they diagnosed me with hypersensitivity of the abdomen. The next day I find a lump in my torso, went to the doctors beginning of the week, lump is a lymph luckily because it’s smooth he doesn’t think it’s anything to worry about, had some blood tests to check blood count and thyroid function because of I’m eating more and not really gained much weight, eating more is unusual for me, suffering badly with night sweats even doing simple things like hovering i’ll be sweating. Always tired no matter how much I sleep. keep getting random twitches over my body, depression is worsen because of me eating more I can see that I am gaining weight but the scales don’t match with the weight gain I can see in myself. The boyfriend is happy because my boobs have gotten bigger, they never normally do, and thinking about all that you are probably thinking, you sure your not pregnant?
Yes! I am very sure I am NOT pregnant. I’m on the pill, I take it the same time everyday, apart from during my 7 day break where we don’t have sex because I bleed from day 2 to 6, plus I do test every now and then to rule it out just because my youngest is a result of a spilt condom and failed morning after pill.
Plus trying to find somewhere to live hasn’t been great. I have less then 4 weeks to find somewhere, council are not much help  and estate agents don’t take people with housing benefit even if you do have a pretty good credit score, higher then average for my age group actually.
So currently a lot of stress on my plate but when the boyfriend is round none of that seems to matter, I feel safe with him, like nothing can hurt me, nothing can get to me, with him around even my depression can’t get me.
They say life only throws the things at you that you can handle, i’m not so sure that’s true in some ways. I’m struggling really bad with everything going on in my life, I go around pretending its not bothering me and that I can handle anything thrown at me, but that’s not true, I can’t handle anymore bad luck, I can’t handle the thought of not knowing whats happening next month. I’m meant to be looking forward to my birthday but instead i’m wondering am I going to be homeless for my birthday. Lets face it the last 3 birthdays have been pretty awful, would love it if this one was different.

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Unexpected turn in events

So it’s been a while since I last posted, so I think it’s  a little over due.
Well the meds are working, i’m feeling so much happier then I did at the start of the year. The last few weeks have made me wonder what it was I saw in him. I thought about it a few times and struggling to come up with an answer. There must have been something but right now I can’t think of that is.
Someone told me you meet people in life for a reason. Was I meant to meet and marry him so I could meet Mr Right. I don’t know, only time will tell for that one.

So the unexpected turn in events. A few days after my last post I signed up to a site after remember seeing my soon to be ex husband on it. He says he was just on it for swiping. Anyway, the same day I signed up I started talking to someone. We met up the next day, and have talked every day since, minus one day. We have hung a few times as well. We haven’t really spoken about our relationship status but there’s defiantly something there. It’s nice having someone who makes me feel like me again and not just mummy or house wife. He makes me happy again, everyone has noticed how much happier I am and that is thanks to him and the meds.

Too early for this?

I have been on meds since Friday and the last 2 days I haven’t felt as down as I have been. Odd seeing the fact my husband is leaving me. I have had a few side effects from the meds. Feeling sick and dizzy. Currently my legs is twitching not sure is a side effect though as they felt a little like jelly a few moments ago.

They say it usually takes 2 to 3 weeks for meds to start working. Some will see a quicker result then others. Some with have to try a number of different ones before finding the right one for them. I’m not sure my mood is a result of the meds or a results of maybe accepting the fact my husband no longer wants to be with me. It still hurts very much so don’t get me wrong. He has someone to go to, I don’t. I don’t find it easy to meet people as it is so finding someone who will be there to take care of me at my worse is going to be hard.

I had a doctors appointment this morning just to see how I am coping with everything and how I am doing so far on the meds. To get to my doctors I have to show ID as I live on a base. The guy I had to show my ID to had the most piercing blue eyes, I love blue eyes. He had a cute smile too, Well was cute all over really.
You are probably thinking, is it not too soon to be seeing others that way?
Well yea it kinda is but the way I see it is that the soon to be ex husband pretty much has someone lined up so there is no harm in me looking. Besides I saw him eye me up and take a double look, surprising really because I had no make up on and it was fairly windy so my hair was a mess, so I pretty much looked a mess. I don’t know, seeing him in the corner of my eyes taking a double look at me, him smiling at me like he did I guess made me feel a bit better about myself. If you have read previous posts from me you’ll know I suffer quite badly with confidence issues. I’ll never see him, well chances are slim and even if I did nothing would ever happen, my ID says I am married, but on hand I am left handed and show everything with my left hand. What am I thinking? It’s too early to be thinking about this. I just don’t want to be alone. I’ve never lived on my own before so it’s a whole new world to me.

Going to burst!!!

Ahhhhh, need to rant. Sorry maybe a long one.
New years eve my husband ended our marriage. We have been together 11 years. Married for 6. He told me he just doesn’t love me that way anymore.
New years day he tells me he kissed another girl.
He cheated on me, knowing how bad my depression has got, knowing I have low self-esteem, knowing he promised me nothing had happened!
He spends most of his time on his phone. 90% of that he is on his phone to her. Talking to her on messenger. He is currently  up stairs talking to her now. Has been for about 40 minutes. As far as his parents know we are trying to give our marriage another go. There is NO trying on his part, he doesn’t want us to work. I on the other hand do.
I feel like I need him, despite him putting me down when I feel good about myself (that’s never his intension he just doesn’t think) Despite him saying he’ll do things and then doesn’t has still hasn’t 2 days later and most of the time longer then that. He is all I have ever known. Come on I have been with him since I was 17.

I don’t think it would hurt so much if he wasn’t still talking to the girl he cheated on me with day in day out. Or if he hadn’t kept lieing to me about doing something with her.

On a good note though, I told my brother about the spilt and he’s going to help me with getting things I need for the new home, when I get a new home. Should be in the next 3 months as have a few charities helping me once the ball gets rolling. The husband will have moved out by the end of the month. I’m just thankful this is not a messy spilt.