The Ex

When we first spilt it was actually quite easy, we still got on. Now. I really can’t say the same. I was hoping we would be one of those people who had a nice easy civil divorce. Nope. I have grown to hate the man, and I told myself I wouldn’t. Today was the final straw for me. I was rushed to hospital Friday after asking to take the kids for the weekend as I really wasn’t feeling well at all, I phoned my doctor for advice to be told I needed to come in as they need to send me to hospital by ambulance, much to the delight of my ex. I had his mate message me asking me why he has the kids when he wasn’t meant. He hadn’t told anyone why he had to have them just that he had to have them. That really peeved me off.
Trying to write this without swearing is proving quite hard to be honest.
I end up being sent home Friday night to end up back in Saturday morning and didn’t get out till late sunday afternoon.
Today he moans how he’s mum doesn’t talk to him. I told him it’s because when i’m down south with the boys he doesn’t see them and to that he says it’s cause I don’t want to see you. How bloody rude. He’s not there to see me he’s there to see the kids. That man has no manners. He walks into my house without knocking first, doesn’t take his shoes off before walking into the living room, doesn’t say hi to me. He’s the one that cheated on me and left me on new years eve yet he’s the one acting like the victim. I don’t for a second regret having my kids what I do regret is having them with him!
I now can’t get rid of him and have to put up with him until the kids are old enough to make up their own minds about their dad. A part of me really hopes they’ll see him for the arse he is.
sorry really tried not to swear through that. Sorry for the rant post as well.
In other news the whole time I was in hospital I had a great friend and a great boyfriend who kept messaging me to see how I was. My friend has kids so couldn’t come visit and the boyfriend was driving 200 miles away as I was getting rushed to hospital. Knowing I have them makes everything a little easier to cope with. Knowing how much they care really helps. Everyone needs people like that in their lives.

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It’s been awhile

A lot has happened since my last post. I turned 28 and because of how poor we are at the moment all my husband could do was get me a birthday card from our 3 boys. It was actually quite upsetting that we can’t even afford to get a birthday card. He doesn’t know how much it hurts me, he knows that my depression is partly because of our money situation, but doesn’t realise that the fact that he couldn’t even get a card from him self upset me.
My birthday wasn’t great. We found out that we had to sort out a removal van ourselves after being told that it would be sorted for us. We were due to move 2 days later, So yea a very stressful upsetting birthday.
Luckily my husbands granma managed to sort something out for us even if it was the wrong size van,  can’t complain she helps us so much when we need it. The van we got meant having to do 2 trips to get all our stuff to the new house. Now that’s not so bad if your only moving 30 40 minutes down the road. We were moving 4 hours down the road. That’s 4 hours one way. So hubby didn’t get back till 5am so he didn’t get much sleep as we had to be up to do the rest of the tip run and go get our boys as they stayed over their nanny’s the night before. What should have been a 4 hour drive turned into 6 and a half because of traffic, the car over heating 3 times and having to stop for dinner.
We’ve gone from living 2 minute walk from the sea front, close to a city to living near the country side where the closest city or town you have to drive to. There is a village but I think even that isn’t really walking distance when you have 3 young kids.
We have a little shop across the road so it’s not all that bad, a  fairly big park around the coroner and a indoor play area behind the shops. I’ve met a few people who like me are quite shy, so this helps me a little. One lady I have been talking to who I have met a few times also suffers with depression and anxiety and also has 3 under 3. a 3 years old and a set of twins who have just turned 2.
I went to the doctor in my new area last week to get help with my depression and other mental health issues, and I have to started the whole getting help process again. In the mean time there are a few groups that help people like me and I have someone coming over Monday for a chat. Basically they just sit there and listen and help in anyway they can while I wait to be seen by a therapist or councillor. Trying to explain what they do without saying who they are is actually quite hard. If I said who they are then it would give the game away to what my husband dose and with recent events not such a good idea.
I’ve been feeling low about myself again it doesn’t help I’ve been pretty bloated and my IBS has flared up and that makes me feel pretty ugly in it self. I do wonder if it would be worth me writing my feelings down for when I do start therapy. kinda like a mood dairy I guess. Maybe it would help them to help me a bit quicker, At least that way I won’t be taking up too much of their time. What if someone else needs it more then I do. I know I am an emotional wreck at times and my depression is just getting on top of me but there is always someone who’s worse off them me. Isn’t there?
Oh how could I forget, my baby sister had her baby boy shortly after we moved, we went back down the weekend after so we could meet him. He was adorable. I have a friend who at this very moment is in the middle of her induction for her labour. Almost seems as slow as mine, but for after 14 hours my baby was just getting distress so ended up having a section. I am really hoping that that’s not how it’s going to end for her.
Wow sorry wasn’t expecting to writing so much. If you stuck around to read all that thank you. It means a lot to have someone sit there and actually read the stuff I writing even if it is me talking a load of rubbish.

A time to relax

The time has finally arrived. Not that I am eager to get away from my boys or anything, but I have been looking forward to this weekend for a good 3 4 weeks. A 4 day weekend away to Butlins in Bognor seeing bands like Toploader and Scouting for girls. We go tomorrow. Just me, my mum in law and my sister in law. A girls weekend, No kids No husbands. No being a mummy or a housewife. I can be just Steph for the weekend.
I do love my family, but I need time to relax before my husband goes away. We have no idea when we’ll see him next or how long it will be before we join him. I’m just so proud that he is doing this to better our family situation, so we will hopefully be better off and I won’t have to stress so much and hopefully my depression and anxiety won’t rear its ugly head so much.

Family post

 

My eldest has been off nursery all week due to having conjunctivitis in both eyes which ended up giving him a cyst in one of them, luckily it went away with treatment so now he can go back to nursery tomorrow.  I feel really sorry for him, in the last year or two he has had conjunctivitis 4 or 5 times. The doctor noticed he has had it a few times and its not something that is usually recurring, but thinks it might be the his body reacts to a cold or infection. I’ve told my husband next time he gets it I am taking him straight to a hospital with a walk in centre to get down to the bottom of why he keeps getting it. It can’t be doing any good for his eyes.
jameseye

That corner of his eye went so red I was surprised it was not bothering him.

Anyway this week we have started packing ready for when we move. We have no idea when we will move or where we will be moving too. We just want to be ready this time, be more prepared so it’s nit left to just me trying to do with 3 little ones to do deal with.
Today the weather has been really nice. We live right near the sea front so took this opportunity to get a bit of food shopping done not really thinking about the traffic getting back. Where we live there is only one way on and off the island. Traffic backed up a good 2 3 miles to get onto the island and that was on a small 2 laned A road or is it a B road. I think its a B road.
I have been getting the final bits for my holiday next weekend. I really can’t wait, as much as I am going to miss my boys and my husband I really need a break from everything, even more so with the way my mental issues have been lately.
Wednesday my husband had to take time off work because I was that bad. not hurt myself bad, would never do that but more worried sick bad. not being able to eat or drink because I just felt that sick and anxious.

Last night I was looking at old photos of my eldest of when he was a baby and thinking how much my youngest looks like him.
The 1st one is my eldest and 2nd is my youngest. I just think they look so alike. It makes me think will my youngest end up growing always looking simualar to my eldest?

 

Weekly Photo Challenge: Admiration

This weeks photo challenge is admiration.

I admire my mum in law.
When I was 19 I had been with my husband then boyfriend (her eldest) only 2 years. I was having troubles at home, Basically hated seeing my mum waste money on drink and fags, wasting tax payers money. I hated going home. It was her and her husband that suggested I moved in. It took a few times of them asking before I actually did. She always looks out for me.
She’s gone through a lot her self, She’s beaten depression and body dismorphier. Pretty much sticking her middle finger up at them. She’s turned her life around. I feel I can talk to her about anything. Something I could never do with my mum, not that I like calling her mum, It kinda felt like she didn’t really want us and that she was doing a half arsed job trying to bring us up.
Anyway when I was in and out of hospital in my 3rd pregnancy it was my mum in law that always looked after my boys, when I was working she’d finish her shift and go straight into looking after my boys so I could work. She dose a lot for me my husband and our boys.

Tammy

I don’t like it

Today was my eldest first day at nursery school. I think I did pretty well holding back the tears. When I went to pick him they had said he has loved being there and he was really well behaved. I hope he keeps it up. His learning understanding is behind so it can be hard for him to understand things going on around him. Sometimes He’ll go right in to a situation head first and not even think about it, like when his youngest brother was born. When we brought him home, he just wanted to cuddle his baby brother. He is such a loving child, others times he hasn’t understood what is going on is a sunday when the shops close early, he doesn’t understand why or when I tell him he can’t have something because we don’t have the money for it. Or evening sometimes the word share or when I ask him to find something.
Seeing him off to nursery school just made the last 3 years flash before me. From the moment I finally got the positive test 4 days before my birthday, when my consultant told me at 36 weeks I needed to be induced early, the first thought going through my head when I saw him for the first time. Holding him for the first time, taking his first steps a few weeks after my dad passed away. So many memories going through my head.
My second son was a little lost without him I think. He played for a little bit by him self but then got bored. bless him.
I can’t get over how fast the last 3 years have gone.

A pick me up

Sorry there was no sunday post. not much had happened so couldn’t think of anything to write.
My eldest starts nursery on Monday. I know he’ll love it.
my mum in law is taken me and my sister in law away for the weekend next month. We are going butlins in Bognor. its a back together weekend where a few bands play over the weekend. some I haven’t  heard in ages. I can not wait. its going to be hard being away from my boys and husband but its a much needed weekend away before hubby gets into the forces.
I started doing Avon last week. hoping it will help with my depression and anxiety. I put in first orders this weekend. At the moment I have at least £35 worth of orders but need mire to be able to put the order in. I am hoping it dose well.  We will see.

Sunday family post

Well this week as been pretty good

Monday the two eldest had a dentist appointment. 2nd born (kyle) when on the chair no problems started crying when asked to open his month. Handy in a way as he cries with his mouth open. 1st born (james) refused to go the chair and refused to open his mouth.

Tuesday we went to my mum in laws as I had my first phone call from a therapist. My mum in law took the two eldest over to feed the ducks so I could do my call with out them distracting me. 45 minutes I was on the phone. They asked so many questions trying to figure out what triggered everything. I score high for depression and anxiety.

Wednesday I had a dentist appointment I got a tooth taken out so it meant my boys were at my mum in laws, she sent me home after so I could rest where I had the therapist call me again asking more questions.

Thursday we stayed in. so not really much happened other then me cleaning the living room 4 times so the boys still had room to play.

Friday we went into town. I needed to get some compost so I could plant some herb seeds. I want to make my own little herb garden. Phoned my sister in law to tell her that a store had a reduced baby monitor then got invited round my mum in laws. Hubby had his medical for the forces. He passed. we are one step closer to being a military family again. Hubby’s sister’s husband wants to join the forces as well, a different one from my hubby as they do more of the career he wants.

Yesterday both the eldest two put their bottles in the bin. I cut of the teat to James’s showed him the bottle and told him it was broken, asked him to put it in the bin for me which he replied “oh no, broken, bin”. Kyle then ran and grabbed his bottle said bin and threw his in the bin. That night I was expecting it to be harder then it was. They didn’t even ask for their bottles once.

Today I made a chicken casserole. James who never tries anything, hates anything brightly coloured unless its sweets actually ate it. He was picking out the carrots to eat them first, saying yum as he ate them. He drew all over the walls this afternoon but the fact that he ate carrots or even tried my casserole has made me so proud of him. This weekend he really has given me reasons to be proud of him.

 

2 years ago

For a while I have been trying to get hold of the new make up revolution fortune favors palette. Their website had sold out, Superdrug website rang out quickly but a few days ago I went into my local superdrug store and there it was. I  wasn’t going to buy anymore make up as I am still waiting on an order to be dispatched, but I could not pass it up as I did not know how long I would have to wait to get hold of it again. I am going to review this product at the end of the month. At the moment I am loving it.

Now to the blog title.
2 years ago today I lost my dad suddenly to a heart attack. He was in hospital 4 days when he passed. They tried everything to keep him alive. They had all the machines hooked up to him keeping everything going, but slowly his body started shutting down. Standing at his hospital bed seeing him the way he was was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I am hoping one day this time of year will be easier, but I know it never will be. He was only 50. Today was made harder by someone knocking on my door and asking if my mum or dad was in. I am 27. I don’t look that young for someone to be asking if my parents are in. My dad meant the world to me, He always knew when I needed help, I never had to ask. He knew how much I hated asking for help. My 2nd little boy was only 6 weeks old when he passed away. I am just thankful I got one last photo of him, even if it was 6 weeks before he passed away.
mydad

 

Sunday post

If you read my blog often you will know sundays are my family posts.
Our eldest is showing improvement in his speech pretty much every week. Our 2nd born shows us everyday just how clever he is. I look at him and you are so going to be the brain box of the family. There are quite a few moments where he’ll try and have a full blown conversation with you but you can’t really understand what it is he is saying, But he’s two so that’s going to happen.
Our youngest is a chatter box, He coos at lot, he even laughed to himself yesterday. I love listening to him when he is in his chatter box mode. He is such a happy baby. I love it.
On Friday my mum in law took me, my boys and my brother in laws girlfriend to a farm trail. Which was really nice. We there a good 3 4 hours.
Yesterday we took the boys to Portsmouth and got them some clothes. I told myself I wouldn’t buy anymore make up, but ended up buying 2 foundations and a contour palette. It was on 3 for 2 and I really needed to get more foundation.
This week hasn’t been as stressful as some weeks. I have been stressed, upset, depressed and constantly worried about something or other, but with everything going on at the moment it’s hard not to feel the way I do.
It’s coming up to the 2nd year anniversary of my dad’s death. I’ll talk more about it on the day. hopefully.
Today we went over to my mum in laws, The boys played in the garden while their granddad built another fence around their pond to stop their puppy from getting in there. The one they had up the puppy managed to find a way to get round it and ended up head first into the pond.
We haven’t really done much else this week. I keep asking hubby when we can start packing. Where hubby is re-joining the forces I just want to start packing ready for when we move.