Health problems

Life at the moment just seems to be as one thing goes well something has to go down hill and that happens to be my health. Everything with the boyfriend is great, we’ve only known each other 6 months but I honestly feel I’ve known him so much longer. Sex is always spontaneous which I love, it’s never dull, he knows the right things to do without out me saying. I can feel myself falling in love with this guy and that’s scary. I’m so scared that come when I have to move 200 miles away that he’ll not want me anymore. I’m hoping that won’t be the case and kinda up sets me thinking about it. Anyway so yea love life going well, health not to much. I was admitted to hospital a month ago. Went back last week as the doctor wanted to check me over, they diagnosed me with hypersensitivity of the abdomen. The next day I find a lump in my torso, went to the doctors beginning of the week, lump is a lymph luckily because it’s smooth he doesn’t think it’s anything to worry about, had some blood tests to check blood count and thyroid function because of I’m eating more and not really gained much weight, eating more is unusual for me, suffering badly with night sweats even doing simple things like hovering i’ll be sweating. Always tired no matter how much I sleep. keep getting random twitches over my body, depression is worsen because of me eating more I can see that I am gaining weight but the scales don’t match with the weight gain I can see in myself. The boyfriend is happy because my boobs have gotten bigger, they never normally do, and thinking about all that you are probably thinking, you sure your not pregnant?
Yes! I am very sure I am NOT pregnant. I’m on the pill, I take it the same time everyday, apart from during my 7 day break where we don’t have sex because I bleed from day 2 to 6, plus I do test every now and then to rule it out just because my youngest is a result of a spilt condom and failed morning after pill.
Plus trying to find somewhere to live hasn’t been great. I have less then 4 weeks to find somewhere, council are not much help  and estate agents don’t take people with housing benefit even if you do have a pretty good credit score, higher then average for my age group actually.
So currently a lot of stress on my plate but when the boyfriend is round none of that seems to matter, I feel safe with him, like nothing can hurt me, nothing can get to me, with him around even my depression can’t get me.
They say life only throws the things at you that you can handle, i’m not so sure that’s true in some ways. I’m struggling really bad with everything going on in my life, I go around pretending its not bothering me and that I can handle anything thrown at me, but that’s not true, I can’t handle anymore bad luck, I can’t handle the thought of not knowing whats happening next month. I’m meant to be looking forward to my birthday but instead i’m wondering am I going to be homeless for my birthday. Lets face it the last 3 birthdays have been pretty awful, would love it if this one was different.

The Ex

When we first spilt it was actually quite easy, we still got on. Now. I really can’t say the same. I was hoping we would be one of those people who had a nice easy civil divorce. Nope. I have grown to hate the man, and I told myself I wouldn’t. Today was the final straw for me. I was rushed to hospital Friday after asking to take the kids for the weekend as I really wasn’t feeling well at all, I phoned my doctor for advice to be told I needed to come in as they need to send me to hospital by ambulance, much to the delight of my ex. I had his mate message me asking me why he has the kids when he wasn’t meant. He hadn’t told anyone why he had to have them just that he had to have them. That really peeved me off.
Trying to write this without swearing is proving quite hard to be honest.
I end up being sent home Friday night to end up back in Saturday morning and didn’t get out till late sunday afternoon.
Today he moans how he’s mum doesn’t talk to him. I told him it’s because when i’m down south with the boys he doesn’t see them and to that he says it’s cause I don’t want to see you. How bloody rude. He’s not there to see me he’s there to see the kids. That man has no manners. He walks into my house without knocking first, doesn’t take his shoes off before walking into the living room, doesn’t say hi to me. He’s the one that cheated on me and left me on new years eve yet he’s the one acting like the victim. I don’t for a second regret having my kids what I do regret is having them with him!
I now can’t get rid of him and have to put up with him until the kids are old enough to make up their own minds about their dad. A part of me really hopes they’ll see him for the arse he is.
sorry really tried not to swear through that. Sorry for the rant post as well.
In other news the whole time I was in hospital I had a great friend and a great boyfriend who kept messaging me to see how I was. My friend has kids so couldn’t come visit and the boyfriend was driving 200 miles away as I was getting rushed to hospital. Knowing I have them makes everything a little easier to cope with. Knowing how much they care really helps. Everyone needs people like that in their lives.

It’s been awhile

It’s been a while since my last post. Mainly because I guess I felt people would get bored of reading the same sort of thing. Can’t exactly be nice reading the same thing from the same person all the time.
Anyway, We have now moved to a totally different area, so now 4 hours drive from family. Our youngest has cut his first 2 teeth and is teething 4 top teeth. He has mastered the stairs and very quickly. He can stand on his own for a while and a few times has taken one or two steps.
My eldest is loving his new nursery, he’s come such a long way since starting there. Our second born is very eager to start.
I have met a few lovely ladies here. A few weeks ago we went to a ladies night which was a lot of fun.
Now down to the boring stuff haha.
My depression as worsened mainly because of health issues. If you don’t like female TMI then might be best to stop reading now.
Since January I have been getting bleeding in between my cycles. I went to the doctor in June who said it was just hormones come back in a few months. Since moved so August I went to my new doctor who straight away ordered tests, They came back no infection which I guess is a good thing, but…when the nurse who took the swabs did them she saw lumps. So the doctor referred me to hospital. Seconds after walking through the door after coming back from the doctors one of my appointments had come through. They phoned me up to tell me. After a week I went to ask patient information about my other appointment to be told that it could be another 4 to 6 weeks till I get it and that’s on a urgent. Walked through my front theres a letter for my scan. For these appointments to come through in a week has scared me. I have my scan tomorrow and my next appointment next week. I have been told it doesn’t look like anything to worry about, but they are meant to say that right?
Why would they rush it if its nothing to worry about?

I wish it would get easier

Well came back off holiday Monday, had a great time so much so I want to take my boys next year. Now I am back though the worrying about everything is back, the depression is back, the whole hating my body is back. I’m finding it all hard to cope with. I feel my family don’t understand. I would love to be able to have someone to sit there and talk to about it all that I know and that has gone through this, but there isn’t anyone. My mum in law has gone through depression and bdd but I still feel she doesn’t quite understand. She always wanted to gain weight me however wants to lose it. I want my college body back. I lack motivation which is my main problem. I think the depression is partly to blame for that. I think once I have over come depression I can start getting my life the way I want it. For me to be happy with my body most of the time and not just once in a blue moon, for us to have money problems and me contently worrying do we have enough for bills and enough to feed ourselves. I want to be happy again. Feel like I did when I was on holiday where I didn’t worry so much. I am hoping the next few months will bring a nice change. A new start, a happier start, less stress, less worrying about things.

Bad time

I know I have been pretty quite lately. I guess that because I don’t really want to keep writing the same samey posts. Lets face it, who wants to read a blog that is the same all the time?
The past few days have been pretty bad for depression and anxiety. I’ve been at the lowest I have ever been, I am actually starting to cry typing this, just because I have been that low.
My husband has had to take time off work because of it. I am grateful but at the same time he shouldn’t have to take time off because I am having a bad time. I get quite bad when my boys are poorly. It started of on Monday when my eldest came down with conjunctivas, a temperature and the sniffles. Every time one of them gets a temperature that’s it I panic.
yesterday his eyes started going red so took him to the doctors where his temp had risen to 39. luckily it came down with some children’s paracetamol. He is on eye drops 4 times a day, but now I have to take him back to the doctors as he has a lump on his eyeball. As well as that all 3 of my boys have colds and coughs.
I just feel so low at the moment. I feel stupid because  I feel like I shouldn’t feel so panicky every time there are poorly.
I am ending on a good note though.
As we were getting off the bus yesterday a few others were too. I told my boys to wait and let others off first. One guy looked around the same age as me tapped me on the shoulder and said “you are a really good mum by the way”. I don’t know who he was and he probably has no idea how good that made me feel. I was feeling so low I still kinda do but to hear someone who has only been watching me and my boys for all of 15 minutes means hell of a lot. I wrote a thank you message on my local facebook page in hopes that maybe he would see how much it meant to me.. I am not sure he’ll see it as he seemed like the type of guy who wouldn’t really use facebook, a too cool for facebook type of guy haha.

A little update

I’ve been a little quite this week. I guess it’s mainly because I just don’t know what to write about anymore. I keep thinking my blog is boring. Come on who wants to read about someone’s life going down the drain? That’s how it feels at the moment. It feels like I have no control over anything in my life. I tidy my living god knows how many times a day. I find that even if I don’t need to leave the flat i’m finding excuses to leave just so i’m not tidy 4 – 5 times a day. Yes I have kids, Yes they make a mess, they are kids. kids make mess, but I just want to be able to control on thing in my life. It seems the only thing I can control in a medical point of view is my weight. I’ve managed to stay the same weight since having my 3rd son. I want to lose more, but not to the point it makes me ill. I love my family too much for that.
Anyway we are about 4 months into this journey of trying to become a some what yummy mummy, trying to gain confidence in myself.
What have I learnt in them 4 months?
I have depression!
something I have been telling myself for years that I don’t.

I have anxiety!
Something I know nothing about and never thought it would be something i’d suffer with.

I have an eating disorder!
Something I had when I was 13 that I thought I had managed to over come. I have my review from a therapist on Wednesday, an eating disorder was one thing she mentioned, which I will be getting help with.

I have body dysmorphia disorder (BDD) it explains quite a bit about how I feel about myself.

I am hoping now that I know whats is wrong with me I might be able to better myself. Be happy like I used to be. i’m not saying i’m not happy. I am happy. I just mean not having to worry about every little thing.

So in 4 months I have learnt a fair bit about myself. I am hoping in the next 4 months I will have more confidence then I do now.

2 years ago

For a while I have been trying to get hold of the new make up revolution fortune favors palette. Their website had sold out, Superdrug website rang out quickly but a few days ago I went into my local superdrug store and there it was. I  wasn’t going to buy anymore make up as I am still waiting on an order to be dispatched, but I could not pass it up as I did not know how long I would have to wait to get hold of it again. I am going to review this product at the end of the month. At the moment I am loving it.

Now to the blog title.
2 years ago today I lost my dad suddenly to a heart attack. He was in hospital 4 days when he passed. They tried everything to keep him alive. They had all the machines hooked up to him keeping everything going, but slowly his body started shutting down. Standing at his hospital bed seeing him the way he was was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I am hoping one day this time of year will be easier, but I know it never will be. He was only 50. Today was made harder by someone knocking on my door and asking if my mum or dad was in. I am 27. I don’t look that young for someone to be asking if my parents are in. My dad meant the world to me, He always knew when I needed help, I never had to ask. He knew how much I hated asking for help. My 2nd little boy was only 6 weeks old when he passed away. I am just thankful I got one last photo of him, even if it was 6 weeks before he passed away.
mydad

 

A pretty good day

I went to my mum in laws today with my boys as we do every Wednesday. We got talking about depression and body dismophier. She told never to go on antidepressants, as all they do is make you tired and sluggish. That’s the last thing you want when you are depressed and have kids to look after. Besides they are a last resort, and I’d rather battle this myself then pump drugs into me that are going to make me tired, sluggish and just not myself. My mum in law also figured that my depression and BDD (body dismophier) could be triggered by the fact the only thing I have control over is my body weight. I can’t have control in my flat we are not aloud to decorate, we can’t have pets of any sort, hang pictures up, its even in are agreement that we are not leave the flat if something like the washing machine is on.
We have what looks like water running down the wall every time we get heavy rain, yet apparently its down to us to sort. I just want out of this flat. I find excuses to get out. Even if there is nothing we need and I only have pennies to my name, I will still try and get out the flat. As a result of the damp and mould to the flat and not being able to make it feel like a home I guess i’m trying to change my body because it is the only thing I can control. Kind of. Ok so I have part control. As mum in law makes sure I eat lunch when I am there and husband makes sure I eat dinner. So really I don’t even have control of that.
At the moment i’m not really selling the whole good day part am I?
I was a good day honest. My mum in law asked to what on thing I liked about myself, and I said waist. I love the fact that my waist goes in nicely, I hate the fact it meets a bulging tummy and love handles. My husband is helping me with this though. He helps to work out most nights.
So what did make today a good day?
The fact that we may have figured out what has triggered my depression and BDD.
And the fact that I found out that there IS actually something I like about my body.
If I can like something about myself then so can you.

Mixed bag

At the moment I kinda feel sad and upset. Hubby phoned me when he had finished work, he said that he was going to cook me dinner and we’d watch a film together. He did cook me dinner and it was lovely. He put the film on and promised he would not fall asleep. Well he did!! its not like he did a full day at work today. He had an extra 2 hours sleep then he would normally on a work day. Its made me feel that he doesn’t care enough to stay awake long enough to watch a film with me. I’ve been in the bedroom 2o minutes and he hasn’t even called out to me. All that makes me sound like a bitch, but we don’t do a lot together, so I was looking forward to actually doing something together.
Anyway went back to the doctors today. This time seeing my own doctor. He asked me a few questions, weighed and measured me. Showed me what my BMI is and gave me the number for a therapist. He said there isn’t anything else he can do, and if in 3 months time I still feel like this then i’d have to go on antidepressants. Which I really don’t want. I phoned the therapist and have an appointment on the 5th. I have pretty much also been diagnosed with depression and BDD.  I am glad I was actually being listen to but not sure how I feel about having to see a therapist.

Did it again

I honestly felt like the doctor I saw yesterday was of no help, she didn’t listen. So I came away no better off, feeling like I am wasting time. When I told my husband he said that they have a care of duty and when it comes to mental health it has to be taken seriously. He told me to phone for another doctors appointment.
I know I have repeated parts of yesterdays post but if I hadn’t would todays make any sense?
So I rang up the doctors this morning and asked to get an appointment with my own doctor, It means having to wait over a week to see him but that just goes to show how good of a doctor he is. My husband has booked the morning off work to watch the boys while I go. Hopefully I can get an answer to why I am feeling like this because it can’t be normal to feel this low about my body and to hate my body so much.

On the brighter side I posted a photo I took the other day on my local facebook group page and have been pretty much invited to join a camera club. when I say pretty much. He asked if I had thought about joining the camera club and then gave me a link to their website. So pretty much an invite. Which did make my day.