Health problems

Life at the moment just seems to be as one thing goes well something has to go down hill and that happens to be my health. Everything with the boyfriend is great, we’ve only known each other 6 months but I honestly feel I’ve known him so much longer. Sex is always spontaneous which I love, it’s never dull, he knows the right things to do without out me saying. I can feel myself falling in love with this guy and that’s scary. I’m so scared that come when I have to move 200 miles away that he’ll not want me anymore. I’m hoping that won’t be the case and kinda up sets me thinking about it. Anyway so yea love life going well, health not to much. I was admitted to hospital a month ago. Went back last week as the doctor wanted to check me over, they diagnosed me with hypersensitivity of the abdomen. The next day I find a lump in my torso, went to the doctors beginning of the week, lump is a lymph luckily because it’s smooth he doesn’t think it’s anything to worry about, had some blood tests to check blood count and thyroid function because of I’m eating more and not really gained much weight, eating more is unusual for me, suffering badly with night sweats even doing simple things like hovering i’ll be sweating. Always tired no matter how much I sleep. keep getting random twitches over my body, depression is worsen because of me eating more I can see that I am gaining weight but the scales don’t match with the weight gain I can see in myself. The boyfriend is happy because my boobs have gotten bigger, they never normally do, and thinking about all that you are probably thinking, you sure your not pregnant?
Yes! I am very sure I am NOT pregnant. I’m on the pill, I take it the same time everyday, apart from during my 7 day break where we don’t have sex because I bleed from day 2 to 6, plus I do test every now and then to rule it out just because my youngest is a result of a spilt condom and failed morning after pill.
Plus trying to find somewhere to live hasn’t been great. I have less then 4 weeks to find somewhere, council are not much help  and estate agents don’t take people with housing benefit even if you do have a pretty good credit score, higher then average for my age group actually.
So currently a lot of stress on my plate but when the boyfriend is round none of that seems to matter, I feel safe with him, like nothing can hurt me, nothing can get to me, with him around even my depression can’t get me.
They say life only throws the things at you that you can handle, i’m not so sure that’s true in some ways. I’m struggling really bad with everything going on in my life, I go around pretending its not bothering me and that I can handle anything thrown at me, but that’s not true, I can’t handle anymore bad luck, I can’t handle the thought of not knowing whats happening next month. I’m meant to be looking forward to my birthday but instead i’m wondering am I going to be homeless for my birthday. Lets face it the last 3 birthdays have been pretty awful, would love it if this one was different.

Unexpected turn in events

So it’s been a while since I last posted, so I think it’s  a little over due.
Well the meds are working, i’m feeling so much happier then I did at the start of the year. The last few weeks have made me wonder what it was I saw in him. I thought about it a few times and struggling to come up with an answer. There must have been something but right now I can’t think of that is.
Someone told me you meet people in life for a reason. Was I meant to meet and marry him so I could meet Mr Right. I don’t know, only time will tell for that one.

So the unexpected turn in events. A few days after my last post I signed up to a site after remember seeing my soon to be ex husband on it. He says he was just on it for swiping. Anyway, the same day I signed up I started talking to someone. We met up the next day, and have talked every day since, minus one day. We have hung a few times as well. We haven’t really spoken about our relationship status but there’s defiantly something there. It’s nice having someone who makes me feel like me again and not just mummy or house wife. He makes me happy again, everyone has noticed how much happier I am and that is thanks to him and the meds.

Too early for this?

I have been on meds since Friday and the last 2 days I haven’t felt as down as I have been. Odd seeing the fact my husband is leaving me. I have had a few side effects from the meds. Feeling sick and dizzy. Currently my legs is twitching not sure is a side effect though as they felt a little like jelly a few moments ago.

They say it usually takes 2 to 3 weeks for meds to start working. Some will see a quicker result then others. Some with have to try a number of different ones before finding the right one for them. I’m not sure my mood is a result of the meds or a results of maybe accepting the fact my husband no longer wants to be with me. It still hurts very much so don’t get me wrong. He has someone to go to, I don’t. I don’t find it easy to meet people as it is so finding someone who will be there to take care of me at my worse is going to be hard.

I had a doctors appointment this morning just to see how I am coping with everything and how I am doing so far on the meds. To get to my doctors I have to show ID as I live on a base. The guy I had to show my ID to had the most piercing blue eyes, I love blue eyes. He had a cute smile too, Well was cute all over really.
You are probably thinking, is it not too soon to be seeing others that way?
Well yea it kinda is but the way I see it is that the soon to be ex husband pretty much has someone lined up so there is no harm in me looking. Besides I saw him eye me up and take a double look, surprising really because I had no make up on and it was fairly windy so my hair was a mess, so I pretty much looked a mess. I don’t know, seeing him in the corner of my eyes taking a double look at me, him smiling at me like he did I guess made me feel a bit better about myself. If you have read previous posts from me you’ll know I suffer quite badly with confidence issues. I’ll never see him, well chances are slim and even if I did nothing would ever happen, my ID says I am married, but on hand I am left handed and show everything with my left hand. What am I thinking? It’s too early to be thinking about this. I just don’t want to be alone. I’ve never lived on my own before so it’s a whole new world to me.

Going to burst!!!

Ahhhhh, need to rant. Sorry maybe a long one.
New years eve my husband ended our marriage. We have been together 11 years. Married for 6. He told me he just doesn’t love me that way anymore.
New years day he tells me he kissed another girl.
He cheated on me, knowing how bad my depression has got, knowing I have low self-esteem, knowing he promised me nothing had happened!
He spends most of his time on his phone. 90% of that he is on his phone to her. Talking to her on messenger. He is currently  up stairs talking to her now. Has been for about 40 minutes. As far as his parents know we are trying to give our marriage another go. There is NO trying on his part, he doesn’t want us to work. I on the other hand do.
I feel like I need him, despite him putting me down when I feel good about myself (that’s never his intension he just doesn’t think) Despite him saying he’ll do things and then doesn’t has still hasn’t 2 days later and most of the time longer then that. He is all I have ever known. Come on I have been with him since I was 17.

I don’t think it would hurt so much if he wasn’t still talking to the girl he cheated on me with day in day out. Or if he hadn’t kept lieing to me about doing something with her.

On a good note though, I told my brother about the spilt and he’s going to help me with getting things I need for the new home, when I get a new home. Should be in the next 3 months as have a few charities helping me once the ball gets rolling. The husband will have moved out by the end of the month. I’m just thankful this is not a messy spilt.

It’s been awhile

It’s been a while since my last post. Mainly because I guess I felt people would get bored of reading the same sort of thing. Can’t exactly be nice reading the same thing from the same person all the time.
Anyway, We have now moved to a totally different area, so now 4 hours drive from family. Our youngest has cut his first 2 teeth and is teething 4 top teeth. He has mastered the stairs and very quickly. He can stand on his own for a while and a few times has taken one or two steps.
My eldest is loving his new nursery, he’s come such a long way since starting there. Our second born is very eager to start.
I have met a few lovely ladies here. A few weeks ago we went to a ladies night which was a lot of fun.
Now down to the boring stuff haha.
My depression as worsened mainly because of health issues. If you don’t like female TMI then might be best to stop reading now.
Since January I have been getting bleeding in between my cycles. I went to the doctor in June who said it was just hormones come back in a few months. Since moved so August I went to my new doctor who straight away ordered tests, They came back no infection which I guess is a good thing, but…when the nurse who took the swabs did them she saw lumps. So the doctor referred me to hospital. Seconds after walking through the door after coming back from the doctors one of my appointments had come through. They phoned me up to tell me. After a week I went to ask patient information about my other appointment to be told that it could be another 4 to 6 weeks till I get it and that’s on a urgent. Walked through my front theres a letter for my scan. For these appointments to come through in a week has scared me. I have my scan tomorrow and my next appointment next week. I have been told it doesn’t look like anything to worry about, but they are meant to say that right?
Why would they rush it if its nothing to worry about?

It’s been awhile

A lot has happened since my last post. I turned 28 and because of how poor we are at the moment all my husband could do was get me a birthday card from our 3 boys. It was actually quite upsetting that we can’t even afford to get a birthday card. He doesn’t know how much it hurts me, he knows that my depression is partly because of our money situation, but doesn’t realise that the fact that he couldn’t even get a card from him self upset me.
My birthday wasn’t great. We found out that we had to sort out a removal van ourselves after being told that it would be sorted for us. We were due to move 2 days later, So yea a very stressful upsetting birthday.
Luckily my husbands granma managed to sort something out for us even if it was the wrong size van,  can’t complain she helps us so much when we need it. The van we got meant having to do 2 trips to get all our stuff to the new house. Now that’s not so bad if your only moving 30 40 minutes down the road. We were moving 4 hours down the road. That’s 4 hours one way. So hubby didn’t get back till 5am so he didn’t get much sleep as we had to be up to do the rest of the tip run and go get our boys as they stayed over their nanny’s the night before. What should have been a 4 hour drive turned into 6 and a half because of traffic, the car over heating 3 times and having to stop for dinner.
We’ve gone from living 2 minute walk from the sea front, close to a city to living near the country side where the closest city or town you have to drive to. There is a village but I think even that isn’t really walking distance when you have 3 young kids.
We have a little shop across the road so it’s not all that bad, a  fairly big park around the coroner and a indoor play area behind the shops. I’ve met a few people who like me are quite shy, so this helps me a little. One lady I have been talking to who I have met a few times also suffers with depression and anxiety and also has 3 under 3. a 3 years old and a set of twins who have just turned 2.
I went to the doctor in my new area last week to get help with my depression and other mental health issues, and I have to started the whole getting help process again. In the mean time there are a few groups that help people like me and I have someone coming over Monday for a chat. Basically they just sit there and listen and help in anyway they can while I wait to be seen by a therapist or councillor. Trying to explain what they do without saying who they are is actually quite hard. If I said who they are then it would give the game away to what my husband dose and with recent events not such a good idea.
I’ve been feeling low about myself again it doesn’t help I’ve been pretty bloated and my IBS has flared up and that makes me feel pretty ugly in it self. I do wonder if it would be worth me writing my feelings down for when I do start therapy. kinda like a mood dairy I guess. Maybe it would help them to help me a bit quicker, At least that way I won’t be taking up too much of their time. What if someone else needs it more then I do. I know I am an emotional wreck at times and my depression is just getting on top of me but there is always someone who’s worse off them me. Isn’t there?
Oh how could I forget, my baby sister had her baby boy shortly after we moved, we went back down the weekend after so we could meet him. He was adorable. I have a friend who at this very moment is in the middle of her induction for her labour. Almost seems as slow as mine, but for after 14 hours my baby was just getting distress so ended up having a section. I am really hoping that that’s not how it’s going to end for her.
Wow sorry wasn’t expecting to writing so much. If you stuck around to read all that thank you. It means a lot to have someone sit there and actually read the stuff I writing even if it is me talking a load of rubbish.

Need a release

I just need something that will lift all this weight and emotion off of me. I need to find something where I can just feel like everything is better without medication or doing something stupid. I don’t want to have to take medication. I feel that it wouldn’t be me if I was taking them, and as for doing something stupid I could never do that. I love my family far too much for that.
My mental heath the last week has not been great. I have been so low, the lowest I have ever been, I thought about maybe just cutting a little and then quickly thought what would be the point? what good would that do? I don’t want all the questions of why did you do that. I don’t want my kids taken away from me. I don’t want something that is only going to give me a short release. I want a long release.
I did find that drawing and colouring helped.
Something that really helped me feel better about myself what a few days ago while I was out shopping with my boys. A complete stranger stopped me and said “you look really good by the way” after trying to get me to stop so he could talk about a charity, i’m all for helping charities but was really not feeling it that day. Whether he said to try and get me to listen to the work he dose or because he generally meant it it made me feel better and it was just the pick me up I needed.

Mental health issues are not fun. There are so many out there and people still feel ashamed to hear that people have these issues.
When I was told I have depression, anxiety, body disphmoier and an eating disorder I felt disappointed in myself. I felt that my husband deserved someone better. Why should he have to cope with my wacky emotions?
I think more people need  to be made aware that mental health is nothing to be ashamed of, and it’s something most people suffer with at one time or another. It’s not something that just comes and goes as quick as a cold, it takes years to get through it and come out the other side and my story is just beginning.

Things can only get better

The song currently being blurted out from the workmen’s van outside my flat. I don’t mind, it’s gone 9am and its quite a good song to listen to. it really beats all the techno stuff played on a Friday and Saturday evening.
Kinda sounds like they are listening to Wave.fm. It’s a local radio station for Hampshire and Dorset area.
Things can only get better” I do often wonder how true that is. Sometimes it’s hard to believe. I mean there is so much going on at the moment and the whole thing of not knowing what is going on regarding housing doesn’t help. Our land lady has given us our notice and we have to be out by the end of July. She doesn’t  want to do a monthly rolling contract. She knows hubby is joining the forces and knows when he starts, so she has given us an extra on that for the mod to house us. This is just adding to the stress as I don’t know what houses are like where we are going. I don’t know how many are empty. I don’t know if it’s going to be ready for us to move into when we need it.
Can’t you tell there is a lot on my mind at the moment?

To add to the stress my Avon isn’t doing well, the only person that is helping me to break even or just make a pound or two is my step-mum. She did a £72 order this time. If it wasn’t for her orders I wouldn’t even be earning anything at all as would not be meeting minimum sales . This really is not the job to be in when you are stupidly shy, suffer with depression and anxiety and suffer with body dismophier  All because you blame yourself for not being able to get the sales even though you are doing the best you can, and your worried about how people see you.
I really hope I can someday control all these feelings. I would say get over them, but I think that would be the wrong term to use. I don’t think it’s something you can just get over. It takes years of telling yourself you are better then how you see yourself, you are better then how you feel. I wish I could believe that, but at the moment I just don’t.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning. BIG MISTAKE!! where I am feeling pretty bloated (because of IBS I think) I look like I did when I was about 18 weeks pregnant. Now I know there is a very small chance of me being pregnant. Husband had the snip in February. That’s a point he’s due a test next month. Just to make sure the snip did work.

Sorry I have really rambled on today. But whats better a post that’s short and pretty much pointless reading, or a post that rambles a little and you get an sense of how the poster is feeling?
I know which I prefer.

 

I wish it would get easier

Well came back off holiday Monday, had a great time so much so I want to take my boys next year. Now I am back though the worrying about everything is back, the depression is back, the whole hating my body is back. I’m finding it all hard to cope with. I feel my family don’t understand. I would love to be able to have someone to sit there and talk to about it all that I know and that has gone through this, but there isn’t anyone. My mum in law has gone through depression and bdd but I still feel she doesn’t quite understand. She always wanted to gain weight me however wants to lose it. I want my college body back. I lack motivation which is my main problem. I think the depression is partly to blame for that. I think once I have over come depression I can start getting my life the way I want it. For me to be happy with my body most of the time and not just once in a blue moon, for us to have money problems and me contently worrying do we have enough for bills and enough to feed ourselves. I want to be happy again. Feel like I did when I was on holiday where I didn’t worry so much. I am hoping the next few months will bring a nice change. A new start, a happier start, less stress, less worrying about things.

Bad time

I know I have been pretty quite lately. I guess that because I don’t really want to keep writing the same samey posts. Lets face it, who wants to read a blog that is the same all the time?
The past few days have been pretty bad for depression and anxiety. I’ve been at the lowest I have ever been, I am actually starting to cry typing this, just because I have been that low.
My husband has had to take time off work because of it. I am grateful but at the same time he shouldn’t have to take time off because I am having a bad time. I get quite bad when my boys are poorly. It started of on Monday when my eldest came down with conjunctivas, a temperature and the sniffles. Every time one of them gets a temperature that’s it I panic.
yesterday his eyes started going red so took him to the doctors where his temp had risen to 39. luckily it came down with some children’s paracetamol. He is on eye drops 4 times a day, but now I have to take him back to the doctors as he has a lump on his eyeball. As well as that all 3 of my boys have colds and coughs.
I just feel so low at the moment. I feel stupid because  I feel like I shouldn’t feel so panicky every time there are poorly.
I am ending on a good note though.
As we were getting off the bus yesterday a few others were too. I told my boys to wait and let others off first. One guy looked around the same age as me tapped me on the shoulder and said “you are a really good mum by the way”. I don’t know who he was and he probably has no idea how good that made me feel. I was feeling so low I still kinda do but to hear someone who has only been watching me and my boys for all of 15 minutes means hell of a lot. I wrote a thank you message on my local facebook page in hopes that maybe he would see how much it meant to me.. I am not sure he’ll see it as he seemed like the type of guy who wouldn’t really use facebook, a too cool for facebook type of guy haha.