Family post


My eldest has been off nursery all week due to having conjunctivitis in both eyes which ended up giving him a cyst in one of them, luckily it went away with treatment so now he can go back to nursery tomorrow.  I feel really sorry for him, in the last year or two he has had conjunctivitis 4 or 5 times. The doctor noticed he has had it a few times and its not something that is usually recurring, but thinks it might be the his body reacts to a cold or infection. I’ve told my husband next time he gets it I am taking him straight to a hospital with a walk in centre to get down to the bottom of why he keeps getting it. It can’t be doing any good for his eyes.

That corner of his eye went so red I was surprised it was not bothering him.

Anyway this week we have started packing ready for when we move. We have no idea when we will move or where we will be moving too. We just want to be ready this time, be more prepared so it’s nit left to just me trying to do with 3 little ones to do deal with.
Today the weather has been really nice. We live right near the sea front so took this opportunity to get a bit of food shopping done not really thinking about the traffic getting back. Where we live there is only one way on and off the island. Traffic backed up a good 2 3 miles to get onto the island and that was on a small 2 laned A road or is it a B road. I think its a B road.
I have been getting the final bits for my holiday next weekend. I really can’t wait, as much as I am going to miss my boys and my husband I really need a break from everything, even more so with the way my mental issues have been lately.
Wednesday my husband had to take time off work because I was that bad. not hurt myself bad, would never do that but more worried sick bad. not being able to eat or drink because I just felt that sick and anxious.

Last night I was looking at old photos of my eldest of when he was a baby and thinking how much my youngest looks like him.
The 1st one is my eldest and 2nd is my youngest. I just think they look so alike. It makes me think will my youngest end up growing always looking simualar to my eldest?



Bad time

I know I have been pretty quite lately. I guess that because I don’t really want to keep writing the same samey posts. Lets face it, who wants to read a blog that is the same all the time?
The past few days have been pretty bad for depression and anxiety. I’ve been at the lowest I have ever been, I am actually starting to cry typing this, just because I have been that low.
My husband has had to take time off work because of it. I am grateful but at the same time he shouldn’t have to take time off because I am having a bad time. I get quite bad when my boys are poorly. It started of on Monday when my eldest came down with conjunctivas, a temperature and the sniffles. Every time one of them gets a temperature that’s it I panic.
yesterday his eyes started going red so took him to the doctors where his temp had risen to 39. luckily it came down with some children’s paracetamol. He is on eye drops 4 times a day, but now I have to take him back to the doctors as he has a lump on his eyeball. As well as that all 3 of my boys have colds and coughs.
I just feel so low at the moment. I feel stupid because  I feel like I shouldn’t feel so panicky every time there are poorly.
I am ending on a good note though.
As we were getting off the bus yesterday a few others were too. I told my boys to wait and let others off first. One guy looked around the same age as me tapped me on the shoulder and said “you are a really good mum by the way”. I don’t know who he was and he probably has no idea how good that made me feel. I was feeling so low I still kinda do but to hear someone who has only been watching me and my boys for all of 15 minutes means hell of a lot. I wrote a thank you message on my local facebook page in hopes that maybe he would see how much it meant to me.. I am not sure he’ll see it as he seemed like the type of guy who wouldn’t really use facebook, a too cool for facebook type of guy haha.

I don’t like it

Today was my eldest first day at nursery school. I think I did pretty well holding back the tears. When I went to pick him they had said he has loved being there and he was really well behaved. I hope he keeps it up. His learning understanding is behind so it can be hard for him to understand things going on around him. Sometimes He’ll go right in to a situation head first and not even think about it, like when his youngest brother was born. When we brought him home, he just wanted to cuddle his baby brother. He is such a loving child, others times he hasn’t understood what is going on is a sunday when the shops close early, he doesn’t understand why or when I tell him he can’t have something because we don’t have the money for it. Or evening sometimes the word share or when I ask him to find something.
Seeing him off to nursery school just made the last 3 years flash before me. From the moment I finally got the positive test 4 days before my birthday, when my consultant told me at 36 weeks I needed to be induced early, the first thought going through my head when I saw him for the first time. Holding him for the first time, taking his first steps a few weeks after my dad passed away. So many memories going through my head.
My second son was a little lost without him I think. He played for a little bit by him self but then got bored. bless him.
I can’t get over how fast the last 3 years have gone.

Sunday family post

Well this week as been pretty good

Monday the two eldest had a dentist appointment. 2nd born (kyle) when on the chair no problems started crying when asked to open his month. Handy in a way as he cries with his mouth open. 1st born (james) refused to go the chair and refused to open his mouth.

Tuesday we went to my mum in laws as I had my first phone call from a therapist. My mum in law took the two eldest over to feed the ducks so I could do my call with out them distracting me. 45 minutes I was on the phone. They asked so many questions trying to figure out what triggered everything. I score high for depression and anxiety.

Wednesday I had a dentist appointment I got a tooth taken out so it meant my boys were at my mum in laws, she sent me home after so I could rest where I had the therapist call me again asking more questions.

Thursday we stayed in. so not really much happened other then me cleaning the living room 4 times so the boys still had room to play.

Friday we went into town. I needed to get some compost so I could plant some herb seeds. I want to make my own little herb garden. Phoned my sister in law to tell her that a store had a reduced baby monitor then got invited round my mum in laws. Hubby had his medical for the forces. He passed. we are one step closer to being a military family again. Hubby’s sister’s husband wants to join the forces as well, a different one from my hubby as they do more of the career he wants.

Yesterday both the eldest two put their bottles in the bin. I cut of the teat to James’s showed him the bottle and told him it was broken, asked him to put it in the bin for me which he replied “oh no, broken, bin”. Kyle then ran and grabbed his bottle said bin and threw his in the bin. That night I was expecting it to be harder then it was. They didn’t even ask for their bottles once.

Today I made a chicken casserole. James who never tries anything, hates anything brightly coloured unless its sweets actually ate it. He was picking out the carrots to eat them first, saying yum as he ate them. He drew all over the walls this afternoon but the fact that he ate carrots or even tried my casserole has made me so proud of him. This weekend he really has given me reasons to be proud of him.


Sunday: Family post

With it being Easter Sunday it’s even more of an excuse to spend time with the family. I don’t know why we do it, we’re not religious but its what we have done for years. We went and saw my step mum and had a good conversation there, mainly about how my sister wants nothing to do with her yet still wants her to looks after her little girl. I told her about my BDD and explained that it had just been getting worse and its why I went to the doctor in the first place. The media really doesn’t help when it comes to things like BDD. There are far too many commenting being about how fat the nation is getting it is no wonder why there are people so worried about their body and how the look.
After seeing my step mum we went to hubby’s parents. where we had a lovely beef and pork roast. I actually got to hug my husband for a little while before our 2 year old came over crying because daddy is his. On the subject of my 2 year old. He did make me laugh the other day.
Me: Kyle, guess what
Kyle: What
Me: Love you
Kyle: It’s ok.

He has more understanding on things then my 3 year old. I think sometimes they try and go alone the same line when it comes to this subject as my 3 year is behind yet my 2 year old is  a little ahead.

While at my in laws we sat their watching my youngest (almost 5 months) trying to figure out if he is going to be a lefty or a righty. We think left. Just because its the hand he as more control with, the one he seems to favour. I would love for him to be a lefty. at least then I won’t be the only lefty in the household.

This little bit is for all my UK readers. As I type this I can hear the wind rattling my windows and the rain pouting them. Storm Katie has arrived, or the tail end of her at least. I hope you all stay safe and there is not too much damage where you are.


Mothers Day

It’s Sunday, so that means a post about family. It’s also mothers day. So firstly Happy mothers day to all you mums and mums to be out there. I hope you all had a good day and got spoilt even if it was just your other half doing some washing for you haha.
So today started off with my husband letting the two eldest out of their room so they good give me my mothers day card. Eldest just came in my room, card in hand and said “here ya”. he’s 3 so did not expect much but it was cute non the less, 2nd born came after said “hi” and walked out again. A little while later my husband came in with 2 slices of toast for me, so that was my breakfast in bed. I still felt bad that I could not eat it all. I rarely eat in the morning. Usually because I forget to feed myself or i’m just not hungry.
We usually do a food shop on a Saturday but thought that everyone would be out doing last minute shops for their mums so decided we would do it today and it was just as busy.
After shopping my husband sent me out so I could do a bit of photography. I don’t often get the chance so it was nice to be able to get out on my own for a bit and capture some photos even if the weather wasn’t quite how I would have preferred it.


This week has been pretty stressful. The two eldest have done nothing but cry, moan and do things they shouldn’t be doing. Oh and not listening. I’ve had quite a few people go “oh don’t you have your hands full” or “i know how you feel, I had 3 boys myself”. I often wonder if they do actually know how I feel then they say “but mine weren’t so close together as yours”. Well yea no, no you don’t know how I feel. I am a mixed bag of emotions at the moment and i’m hoping Wednesday will finally be the start of a better me and then I can continue this journey on becoming a more confident person.

Just lately me eldest has got into say “thank you much”. I have no idea where he has got it from. We have taught our boys manners from the moment they started trying to say words. So we know where the thank you has come from, just not the much added on the end. I must admit though it is really cute.

It was my dad’s birthday on the 4th. He would have been 52. This is the 2nd birthday without him. I remember his 50th. I asked him what he wanted for his birthday, usually he would joke and say something like a Harley, knowing it was never going to happen, that year I got him a Phil Collins CD, I remember how he said that he would love to go see him perform as he had never had the chance to. I recently heard that he maybe touring again soon, my dad would have loved that. Anyway. The year of his 50th I asked the same question I did every year “dad, what do you want for your birthday” “don’t worry about me this year, it’s not like anyone bothers anyway”. It broke my heart to hear him say that ” well i’m getting your something anyway” “get it next year” he says. I don’t know if he knew then that there would not be a next year or not, but I know shortly before his death he did. About a week before he passed away I looked at a photo I had taken of him. it was a photo of him holding my 2nd born, then only a few days old. I remember thinking that it was the last photo I was going to get of him. I wanted to tell my dad he needed to change his life style and needed to change it quickly, I never thought for one second that a week later I would be stood by his bed in hospital hooked up to all the machines trying to keep him alive. On the anniversary of his death I will probably talk more about my dad. People say their parent are not just a parent but a best friend but my dad was truly that, He wasn’t just my dad, he was my best friend. Always knew when something was wrong. He never had to ask, he just knew.

Sorry for such a long post today and ending on such a downer.
Family are everything even if sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.


Bite the bullet

Well I did it. I have taken the next step in trying to sort myself out. I have phoned my doctors and have an appointment on Wednesday, as Wednesday is photo challenge day I will have to update you all next Thursday.
I’m not sure how to feel at the moment. There is a lot going on in my mind, today hasn’t helped matters, my two eldest have made a very stressful afternoon. Having 2 so close in age is very hard work when all they want to do is fight each other or run around the shops making me look like the bad parent because I am shouting at them. I wanted to cry in the middle of the high street today. I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take having to keep shouting at them asking them to stay with me and not to run off, I couldn’t take people staring at me. I just wanted to cry and let it all out, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t let people see me letting everything get to me, I didn’t want to have a break down in the middle of the high street. I just want a hug. I want my husband to come into the bedroom and give me a hug, tell me everything is ok even though its not, but he’s currently snoring on the sofa in the living room. I can hear him and it irritates the hell out of me. Not the fact that he’s a sleep at 9:30 in the evening just the sound of him snoring. I can’t that sound. its more like a loud breathing.
I just turned to my 4 month old, he smiled at me then started blowing a raspberry.