Things can only get better

The song currently being blurted out from the workmen’s van outside my flat. I don’t mind, it’s gone 9am and its quite a good song to listen to. it really beats all the techno stuff played on a Friday and Saturday evening.
Kinda sounds like they are listening to Wave.fm. It’s a local radio station for Hampshire and Dorset area.
Things can only get better” I do often wonder how true that is. Sometimes it’s hard to believe. I mean there is so much going on at the moment and the whole thing of not knowing what is going on regarding housing doesn’t help. Our land lady has given us our notice and we have to be out by the end of July. She doesn’t  want to do a monthly rolling contract. She knows hubby is joining the forces and knows when he starts, so she has given us an extra on that for the mod to house us. This is just adding to the stress as I don’t know what houses are like where we are going. I don’t know how many are empty. I don’t know if it’s going to be ready for us to move into when we need it.
Can’t you tell there is a lot on my mind at the moment?

To add to the stress my Avon isn’t doing well, the only person that is helping me to break even or just make a pound or two is my step-mum. She did a £72 order this time. If it wasn’t for her orders I wouldn’t even be earning anything at all as would not be meeting minimum sales . This really is not the job to be in when you are stupidly shy, suffer with depression and anxiety and suffer with body dismophier  All because you blame yourself for not being able to get the sales even though you are doing the best you can, and your worried about how people see you.
I really hope I can someday control all these feelings. I would say get over them, but I think that would be the wrong term to use. I don’t think it’s something you can just get over. It takes years of telling yourself you are better then how you see yourself, you are better then how you feel. I wish I could believe that, but at the moment I just don’t.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning. BIG MISTAKE!! where I am feeling pretty bloated (because of IBS I think) I look like I did when I was about 18 weeks pregnant. Now I know there is a very small chance of me being pregnant. Husband had the snip in February. That’s a point he’s due a test next month. Just to make sure the snip did work.

Sorry I have really rambled on today. But whats better a post that’s short and pretty much pointless reading, or a post that rambles a little and you get an sense of how the poster is feeling?
I know which I prefer.

 

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I wish it would get easier

Well came back off holiday Monday, had a great time so much so I want to take my boys next year. Now I am back though the worrying about everything is back, the depression is back, the whole hating my body is back. I’m finding it all hard to cope with. I feel my family don’t understand. I would love to be able to have someone to sit there and talk to about it all that I know and that has gone through this, but there isn’t anyone. My mum in law has gone through depression and bdd but I still feel she doesn’t quite understand. She always wanted to gain weight me however wants to lose it. I want my college body back. I lack motivation which is my main problem. I think the depression is partly to blame for that. I think once I have over come depression I can start getting my life the way I want it. For me to be happy with my body most of the time and not just once in a blue moon, for us to have money problems and me contently worrying do we have enough for bills and enough to feed ourselves. I want to be happy again. Feel like I did when I was on holiday where I didn’t worry so much. I am hoping the next few months will bring a nice change. A new start, a happier start, less stress, less worrying about things.

A time to relax

The time has finally arrived. Not that I am eager to get away from my boys or anything, but I have been looking forward to this weekend for a good 3 4 weeks. A 4 day weekend away to Butlins in Bognor seeing bands like Toploader and Scouting for girls. We go tomorrow. Just me, my mum in law and my sister in law. A girls weekend, No kids No husbands. No being a mummy or a housewife. I can be just Steph for the weekend.
I do love my family, but I need time to relax before my husband goes away. We have no idea when we’ll see him next or how long it will be before we join him. I’m just so proud that he is doing this to better our family situation, so we will hopefully be better off and I won’t have to stress so much and hopefully my depression and anxiety won’t rear its ugly head so much.

Family post

 

My eldest has been off nursery all week due to having conjunctivitis in both eyes which ended up giving him a cyst in one of them, luckily it went away with treatment so now he can go back to nursery tomorrow.  I feel really sorry for him, in the last year or two he has had conjunctivitis 4 or 5 times. The doctor noticed he has had it a few times and its not something that is usually recurring, but thinks it might be the his body reacts to a cold or infection. I’ve told my husband next time he gets it I am taking him straight to a hospital with a walk in centre to get down to the bottom of why he keeps getting it. It can’t be doing any good for his eyes.
jameseye

That corner of his eye went so red I was surprised it was not bothering him.

Anyway this week we have started packing ready for when we move. We have no idea when we will move or where we will be moving too. We just want to be ready this time, be more prepared so it’s nit left to just me trying to do with 3 little ones to do deal with.
Today the weather has been really nice. We live right near the sea front so took this opportunity to get a bit of food shopping done not really thinking about the traffic getting back. Where we live there is only one way on and off the island. Traffic backed up a good 2 3 miles to get onto the island and that was on a small 2 laned A road or is it a B road. I think its a B road.
I have been getting the final bits for my holiday next weekend. I really can’t wait, as much as I am going to miss my boys and my husband I really need a break from everything, even more so with the way my mental issues have been lately.
Wednesday my husband had to take time off work because I was that bad. not hurt myself bad, would never do that but more worried sick bad. not being able to eat or drink because I just felt that sick and anxious.

Last night I was looking at old photos of my eldest of when he was a baby and thinking how much my youngest looks like him.
The 1st one is my eldest and 2nd is my youngest. I just think they look so alike. It makes me think will my youngest end up growing always looking simualar to my eldest?

 

Product review time

It’s been a while since I have done one of these.
I did say I would do one at the end of last month, *slaps hand for not doing it*
Ok so my first product I am reviewing is the Fortune favours the brave by makeup revolution
I was so excited when I got my hands on this. I had heard such good reviews on it. The colours are great. I love them. There are a few colours that I do really like but sadly being paled skinned don’t show up well, but work well as a light highlight. The colours are well pigmented and providing you use an eye primer stay on quite well too. You can buy this product for £9.99 it’s one of their dearer products but the fact that it comes with a fab brush makes it so worth it. 7/10

2nd product is again makeup revolution. Like angels eyes
This product I love love love. I love the colours. I love how well they blend and how long they stay on. This product I really do recommend. If you like to experiment with colours shades then this is so for you and for £8 you’d be crazy not to try it. I found using a good eye shadow brush gives you better blending. 9/10

3rd and final one is from Avon, It’s the Clearskin Blemish clearing 3-in-1 cleanser scrub and mask. I was really blown away by this product. I have tried so many different skin products. Something to make my skin actually feel good and look better then it has done in years. This product dose that. I know I say I love a product at lot, but this one wow I am struggling to fault it. From the first use I noticed a difference. My skin feels so much softer it’s less oily in my oil prone spots and less dry is my dry prone spots. it’s currently £5 and sometimes appears on an offer.
Not saying any of that to boost my sales, saying because it is honestly 100% a great product. I give this product 10/10
You can check out the product on my site at http://www.avon.uk.com/store/stephbuttstore

Bad time

I know I have been pretty quite lately. I guess that because I don’t really want to keep writing the same samey posts. Lets face it, who wants to read a blog that is the same all the time?
The past few days have been pretty bad for depression and anxiety. I’ve been at the lowest I have ever been, I am actually starting to cry typing this, just because I have been that low.
My husband has had to take time off work because of it. I am grateful but at the same time he shouldn’t have to take time off because I am having a bad time. I get quite bad when my boys are poorly. It started of on Monday when my eldest came down with conjunctivas, a temperature and the sniffles. Every time one of them gets a temperature that’s it I panic.
yesterday his eyes started going red so took him to the doctors where his temp had risen to 39. luckily it came down with some children’s paracetamol. He is on eye drops 4 times a day, but now I have to take him back to the doctors as he has a lump on his eyeball. As well as that all 3 of my boys have colds and coughs.
I just feel so low at the moment. I feel stupid because  I feel like I shouldn’t feel so panicky every time there are poorly.
I am ending on a good note though.
As we were getting off the bus yesterday a few others were too. I told my boys to wait and let others off first. One guy looked around the same age as me tapped me on the shoulder and said “you are a really good mum by the way”. I don’t know who he was and he probably has no idea how good that made me feel. I was feeling so low I still kinda do but to hear someone who has only been watching me and my boys for all of 15 minutes means hell of a lot. I wrote a thank you message on my local facebook page in hopes that maybe he would see how much it meant to me.. I am not sure he’ll see it as he seemed like the type of guy who wouldn’t really use facebook, a too cool for facebook type of guy haha.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Admiration

This weeks photo challenge is admiration.

I admire my mum in law.
When I was 19 I had been with my husband then boyfriend (her eldest) only 2 years. I was having troubles at home, Basically hated seeing my mum waste money on drink and fags, wasting tax payers money. I hated going home. It was her and her husband that suggested I moved in. It took a few times of them asking before I actually did. She always looks out for me.
She’s gone through a lot her self, She’s beaten depression and body dismorphier. Pretty much sticking her middle finger up at them. She’s turned her life around. I feel I can talk to her about anything. Something I could never do with my mum, not that I like calling her mum, It kinda felt like she didn’t really want us and that she was doing a half arsed job trying to bring us up.
Anyway when I was in and out of hospital in my 3rd pregnancy it was my mum in law that always looked after my boys, when I was working she’d finish her shift and go straight into looking after my boys so I could work. She dose a lot for me my husband and our boys.

Tammy

I don’t like it

Today was my eldest first day at nursery school. I think I did pretty well holding back the tears. When I went to pick him they had said he has loved being there and he was really well behaved. I hope he keeps it up. His learning understanding is behind so it can be hard for him to understand things going on around him. Sometimes He’ll go right in to a situation head first and not even think about it, like when his youngest brother was born. When we brought him home, he just wanted to cuddle his baby brother. He is such a loving child, others times he hasn’t understood what is going on is a sunday when the shops close early, he doesn’t understand why or when I tell him he can’t have something because we don’t have the money for it. Or evening sometimes the word share or when I ask him to find something.
Seeing him off to nursery school just made the last 3 years flash before me. From the moment I finally got the positive test 4 days before my birthday, when my consultant told me at 36 weeks I needed to be induced early, the first thought going through my head when I saw him for the first time. Holding him for the first time, taking his first steps a few weeks after my dad passed away. So many memories going through my head.
My second son was a little lost without him I think. He played for a little bit by him self but then got bored. bless him.
I can’t get over how fast the last 3 years have gone.

Disapointment

I don’t know why I feel so sad about it, I had a feeling I wouldn’t do well or as well as I would have liked. I would have liked to at least cover the cost for the products I needed but I have barely done that. I had someone want 5 order forms from me. was meant to pick them up today and have heard nothing from her. I’ve been to her house twice and have messaged her. I feel so let down. It’s hard to decide whether I should carry on, I guess I shouldn’t let just one person mess it up for the small number of customers that have ordered.
I have recently started working for Avon. I know its hard work running your own business, the last few days I have really lack energy and I think this is partly why I feel so down today.

A pick me up

Sorry there was no sunday post. not much had happened so couldn’t think of anything to write.
My eldest starts nursery on Monday. I know he’ll love it.
my mum in law is taken me and my sister in law away for the weekend next month. We are going butlins in Bognor. its a back together weekend where a few bands play over the weekend. some I haven’t  heard in ages. I can not wait. its going to be hard being away from my boys and husband but its a much needed weekend away before hubby gets into the forces.
I started doing Avon last week. hoping it will help with my depression and anxiety. I put in first orders this weekend. At the moment I have at least £35 worth of orders but need mire to be able to put the order in. I am hoping it dose well.  We will see.