The Ex

When we first spilt it was actually quite easy, we still got on. Now. I really can’t say the same. I was hoping we would be one of those people who had a nice easy civil divorce. Nope. I have grown to hate the man, and I told myself I wouldn’t. Today was the final straw for me. I was rushed to hospital Friday after asking to take the kids for the weekend as I really wasn’t feeling well at all, I phoned my doctor for advice to be told I needed to come in as they need to send me to hospital by ambulance, much to the delight of my ex. I had his mate message me asking me why he has the kids when he wasn’t meant. He hadn’t told anyone why he had to have them just that he had to have them. That really peeved me off.
Trying to write this without swearing is proving quite hard to be honest.
I end up being sent home Friday night to end up back in Saturday morning and didn’t get out till late sunday afternoon.
Today he moans how he’s mum doesn’t talk to him. I told him it’s because when i’m down south with the boys he doesn’t see them and to that he says it’s cause I don’t want to see you. How bloody rude. He’s not there to see me he’s there to see the kids. That man has no manners. He walks into my house without knocking first, doesn’t take his shoes off before walking into the living room, doesn’t say hi to me. He’s the one that cheated on me and left me on new years eve yet he’s the one acting like the victim. I don’t for a second regret having my kids what I do regret is having them with him!
I now can’t get rid of him and have to put up with him until the kids are old enough to make up their own minds about their dad. A part of me really hopes they’ll see him for the arse he is.
sorry really tried not to swear through that. Sorry for the rant post as well.
In other news the whole time I was in hospital I had a great friend and a great boyfriend who kept messaging me to see how I was. My friend has kids so couldn’t come visit and the boyfriend was driving 200 miles away as I was getting rushed to hospital. Knowing I have them makes everything a little easier to cope with. Knowing how much they care really helps. Everyone needs people like that in their lives.

Too early for this?

I have been on meds since Friday and the last 2 days I haven’t felt as down as I have been. Odd seeing the fact my husband is leaving me. I have had a few side effects from the meds. Feeling sick and dizzy. Currently my legs is twitching not sure is a side effect though as they felt a little like jelly a few moments ago.

They say it usually takes 2 to 3 weeks for meds to start working. Some will see a quicker result then others. Some with have to try a number of different ones before finding the right one for them. I’m not sure my mood is a result of the meds or a results of maybe accepting the fact my husband no longer wants to be with me. It still hurts very much so don’t get me wrong. He has someone to go to, I don’t. I don’t find it easy to meet people as it is so finding someone who will be there to take care of me at my worse is going to be hard.

I had a doctors appointment this morning just to see how I am coping with everything and how I am doing so far on the meds. To get to my doctors I have to show ID as I live on a base. The guy I had to show my ID to had the most piercing blue eyes, I love blue eyes. He had a cute smile too, Well was cute all over really.
You are probably thinking, is it not too soon to be seeing others that way?
Well yea it kinda is but the way I see it is that the soon to be ex husband pretty much has someone lined up so there is no harm in me looking. Besides I saw him eye me up and take a double look, surprising really because I had no make up on and it was fairly windy so my hair was a mess, so I pretty much looked a mess. I don’t know, seeing him in the corner of my eyes taking a double look at me, him smiling at me like he did I guess made me feel a bit better about myself. If you have read previous posts from me you’ll know I suffer quite badly with confidence issues. I’ll never see him, well chances are slim and even if I did nothing would ever happen, my ID says I am married, but on hand I am left handed and show everything with my left hand. What am I thinking? It’s too early to be thinking about this. I just don’t want to be alone. I’ve never lived on my own before so it’s a whole new world to me.

I wish it would get easier

Well came back off holiday Monday, had a great time so much so I want to take my boys next year. Now I am back though the worrying about everything is back, the depression is back, the whole hating my body is back. I’m finding it all hard to cope with. I feel my family don’t understand. I would love to be able to have someone to sit there and talk to about it all that I know and that has gone through this, but there isn’t anyone. My mum in law has gone through depression and bdd but I still feel she doesn’t quite understand. She always wanted to gain weight me however wants to lose it. I want my college body back. I lack motivation which is my main problem. I think the depression is partly to blame for that. I think once I have over come depression I can start getting my life the way I want it. For me to be happy with my body most of the time and not just once in a blue moon, for us to have money problems and me contently worrying do we have enough for bills and enough to feed ourselves. I want to be happy again. Feel like I did when I was on holiday where I didn’t worry so much. I am hoping the next few months will bring a nice change. A new start, a happier start, less stress, less worrying about things.

Bad time

I know I have been pretty quite lately. I guess that because I don’t really want to keep writing the same samey posts. Lets face it, who wants to read a blog that is the same all the time?
The past few days have been pretty bad for depression and anxiety. I’ve been at the lowest I have ever been, I am actually starting to cry typing this, just because I have been that low.
My husband has had to take time off work because of it. I am grateful but at the same time he shouldn’t have to take time off because I am having a bad time. I get quite bad when my boys are poorly. It started of on Monday when my eldest came down with conjunctivas, a temperature and the sniffles. Every time one of them gets a temperature that’s it I panic.
yesterday his eyes started going red so took him to the doctors where his temp had risen to 39. luckily it came down with some children’s paracetamol. He is on eye drops 4 times a day, but now I have to take him back to the doctors as he has a lump on his eyeball. As well as that all 3 of my boys have colds and coughs.
I just feel so low at the moment. I feel stupid because  I feel like I shouldn’t feel so panicky every time there are poorly.
I am ending on a good note though.
As we were getting off the bus yesterday a few others were too. I told my boys to wait and let others off first. One guy looked around the same age as me tapped me on the shoulder and said “you are a really good mum by the way”. I don’t know who he was and he probably has no idea how good that made me feel. I was feeling so low I still kinda do but to hear someone who has only been watching me and my boys for all of 15 minutes means hell of a lot. I wrote a thank you message on my local facebook page in hopes that maybe he would see how much it meant to me.. I am not sure he’ll see it as he seemed like the type of guy who wouldn’t really use facebook, a too cool for facebook type of guy haha.

A little update

I’ve been a little quite this week. I guess it’s mainly because I just don’t know what to write about anymore. I keep thinking my blog is boring. Come on who wants to read about someone’s life going down the drain? That’s how it feels at the moment. It feels like I have no control over anything in my life. I tidy my living god knows how many times a day. I find that even if I don’t need to leave the flat i’m finding excuses to leave just so i’m not tidy 4 – 5 times a day. Yes I have kids, Yes they make a mess, they are kids. kids make mess, but I just want to be able to control on thing in my life. It seems the only thing I can control in a medical point of view is my weight. I’ve managed to stay the same weight since having my 3rd son. I want to lose more, but not to the point it makes me ill. I love my family too much for that.
Anyway we are about 4 months into this journey of trying to become a some what yummy mummy, trying to gain confidence in myself.
What have I learnt in them 4 months?
I have depression!
something I have been telling myself for years that I don’t.

I have anxiety!
Something I know nothing about and never thought it would be something i’d suffer with.

I have an eating disorder!
Something I had when I was 13 that I thought I had managed to over come. I have my review from a therapist on Wednesday, an eating disorder was one thing she mentioned, which I will be getting help with.

I have body dysmorphia disorder (BDD) it explains quite a bit about how I feel about myself.

I am hoping now that I know whats is wrong with me I might be able to better myself. Be happy like I used to be. i’m not saying i’m not happy. I am happy. I just mean not having to worry about every little thing.

So in 4 months I have learnt a fair bit about myself. I am hoping in the next 4 months I will have more confidence then I do now.

2 years ago

For a while I have been trying to get hold of the new make up revolution fortune favors palette. Their website had sold out, Superdrug website rang out quickly but a few days ago I went into my local superdrug store and there it was. I  wasn’t going to buy anymore make up as I am still waiting on an order to be dispatched, but I could not pass it up as I did not know how long I would have to wait to get hold of it again. I am going to review this product at the end of the month. At the moment I am loving it.

Now to the blog title.
2 years ago today I lost my dad suddenly to a heart attack. He was in hospital 4 days when he passed. They tried everything to keep him alive. They had all the machines hooked up to him keeping everything going, but slowly his body started shutting down. Standing at his hospital bed seeing him the way he was was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I am hoping one day this time of year will be easier, but I know it never will be. He was only 50. Today was made harder by someone knocking on my door and asking if my mum or dad was in. I am 27. I don’t look that young for someone to be asking if my parents are in. My dad meant the world to me, He always knew when I needed help, I never had to ask. He knew how much I hated asking for help. My 2nd little boy was only 6 weeks old when he passed away. I am just thankful I got one last photo of him, even if it was 6 weeks before he passed away.
mydad

 

Did it again

I honestly felt like the doctor I saw yesterday was of no help, she didn’t listen. So I came away no better off, feeling like I am wasting time. When I told my husband he said that they have a care of duty and when it comes to mental health it has to be taken seriously. He told me to phone for another doctors appointment.
I know I have repeated parts of yesterdays post but if I hadn’t would todays make any sense?
So I rang up the doctors this morning and asked to get an appointment with my own doctor, It means having to wait over a week to see him but that just goes to show how good of a doctor he is. My husband has booked the morning off work to watch the boys while I go. Hopefully I can get an answer to why I am feeling like this because it can’t be normal to feel this low about my body and to hate my body so much.

On the brighter side I posted a photo I took the other day on my local facebook group page and have been pretty much invited to join a camera club. when I say pretty much. He asked if I had thought about joining the camera club and then gave me a link to their website. So pretty much an invite. Which did make my day.

I did it – Not what I expected

Ok so this is a one off. Usually on a Wednesday I would just do a photo challenge post but as today was the day I went to the doctors I thought an update was in order. I thought about posting it tomorrow but didn’t want to wait in cause I forgot about what’s going through my head at the moment.
I had a nice early appointment which was handy in a way as my eldest had speech therapy an hour later at the same place.

I went into the doctors room, a doctor I had never met before. She seemed nice at first. I sat down, “so what can I help you with today” she said. I tried talking over my crying 2nd born, he doesn’t really like being around new people. I told her that I hated the way I feel about my body, told her I feel my legs and my belly are too chunky and that my boobs are too small for my body. I tried to tell that I felt fat. She asked how much I weighed. I told her I didn’t know I don’t like weighing myself. Should have told her that my husband won’t let me weigh myself as if he did I would be doing it 15 to 20 times a day. She weighed me. I didn’t look at the scales. I was scared to see how much I weighed. While I was stood on the scales I couldn’t help but think maybe I should have taken my boots off, they might weigh quite a bit. She then said “8 stone, good for your height”. I didn’t want hear good. Good to me is its ok but you could do with losing some weight. She blamed the fact that I have 3 kids close in age for the way I feel and said it’s all in my head. She then gave me a phone number to ring to get therapy. She said it was counselling but looking on the website of the number I was giving they are a therapy group.

I felt like I wasn’t listen to. Like she didn’t want to waste her time on me, like me going was just pointless. I feel like I haven’t been helped at all.
I told my husband how it went, he suggested ring them but after looking on there site I told it wasn’t counselling and the therapy sessions were over the phone. When I told him that he said “Get an appointment with your doctor”.
I like my doctor, every time I have seen him for something I have come out feeling like he has listened and he has helped. I am hoping if I was to see him about this he would actually listen and he will actually do more then what the doctor I saw today has done and not blame me having had 3 kids. I don’t think she heard the bit where I said it’s been going on around 10 11 years possibly longer. My eldest has just turned 3. So yea this is not from having kids!

 

Roll on next week

I need to buy more make up oh and some make up storage would be great. Roll on pay day. I have dentist next Monday so might treat myself to some new make up. I am thinking of getting a colour correcting kit. Just a cheap one as its the first time using anything like it. I think Make up Revolution do one. I am loving that brand at the moment. Its cheap compared to most brands and pretty good.
I want to get the dentist over and done with, I chipped one of my back teeth nearly 2 weeks, and its now starting to make eating difficult. It hurts all the time. They can’t put a filling in it as its already had two, so all that’s left really is to take it out. Its a back tooth. Right at the back and getting to it to brush it is hard as I can’t get the tooth brush quite that far back. damn my small mouth.

My journey so far I don’t think is going well. Mainly because I just lack motivation to exercise. I downloaded the FitBit app on my phone. Hubby thought it would be a good idea as it might make me see how little I eat. Well it hasn’t really done that. Its made me more aware of how many calories I am having. For keeping at the same weight it allows just over 1300 calories for food. Now to me that’s not a lot at all. Going on that I have gone over by 14 calories. The app also counts your steps you’ve taken in the day and you can also add exercises you may have done.  It tells you how many calories you have burnt and gives you challenges you can do. I have only been using it 2 days so yet to try all its features. Seems like a pretty good app so far.