Health problems

Life at the moment just seems to be as one thing goes well something has to go down hill and that happens to be my health. Everything with the boyfriend is great, we’ve only known each other 6 months but I honestly feel I’ve known him so much longer. Sex is always spontaneous which I love, it’s never dull, he knows the right things to do without out me saying. I can feel myself falling in love with this guy and that’s scary. I’m so scared that come when I have to move 200 miles away that he’ll not want me anymore. I’m hoping that won’t be the case and kinda up sets me thinking about it. Anyway so yea love life going well, health not to much. I was admitted to hospital a month ago. Went back last week as the doctor wanted to check me over, they diagnosed me with hypersensitivity of the abdomen. The next day I find a lump in my torso, went to the doctors beginning of the week, lump is a lymph luckily because it’s smooth he doesn’t think it’s anything to worry about, had some blood tests to check blood count and thyroid function because of I’m eating more and not really gained much weight, eating more is unusual for me, suffering badly with night sweats even doing simple things like hovering i’ll be sweating. Always tired no matter how much I sleep. keep getting random twitches over my body, depression is worsen because of me eating more I can see that I am gaining weight but the scales don’t match with the weight gain I can see in myself. The boyfriend is happy because my boobs have gotten bigger, they never normally do, and thinking about all that you are probably thinking, you sure your not pregnant?
Yes! I am very sure I am NOT pregnant. I’m on the pill, I take it the same time everyday, apart from during my 7 day break where we don’t have sex because I bleed from day 2 to 6, plus I do test every now and then to rule it out just because my youngest is a result of a spilt condom and failed morning after pill.
Plus trying to find somewhere to live hasn’t been great. I have less then 4 weeks to find somewhere, council are not much help  and estate agents don’t take people with housing benefit even if you do have a pretty good credit score, higher then average for my age group actually.
So currently a lot of stress on my plate but when the boyfriend is round none of that seems to matter, I feel safe with him, like nothing can hurt me, nothing can get to me, with him around even my depression can’t get me.
They say life only throws the things at you that you can handle, i’m not so sure that’s true in some ways. I’m struggling really bad with everything going on in my life, I go around pretending its not bothering me and that I can handle anything thrown at me, but that’s not true, I can’t handle anymore bad luck, I can’t handle the thought of not knowing whats happening next month. I’m meant to be looking forward to my birthday but instead i’m wondering am I going to be homeless for my birthday. Lets face it the last 3 birthdays have been pretty awful, would love it if this one was different.

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The Ex

When we first spilt it was actually quite easy, we still got on. Now. I really can’t say the same. I was hoping we would be one of those people who had a nice easy civil divorce. Nope. I have grown to hate the man, and I told myself I wouldn’t. Today was the final straw for me. I was rushed to hospital Friday after asking to take the kids for the weekend as I really wasn’t feeling well at all, I phoned my doctor for advice to be told I needed to come in as they need to send me to hospital by ambulance, much to the delight of my ex. I had his mate message me asking me why he has the kids when he wasn’t meant. He hadn’t told anyone why he had to have them just that he had to have them. That really peeved me off.
Trying to write this without swearing is proving quite hard to be honest.
I end up being sent home Friday night to end up back in Saturday morning and didn’t get out till late sunday afternoon.
Today he moans how he’s mum doesn’t talk to him. I told him it’s because when i’m down south with the boys he doesn’t see them and to that he says it’s cause I don’t want to see you. How bloody rude. He’s not there to see me he’s there to see the kids. That man has no manners. He walks into my house without knocking first, doesn’t take his shoes off before walking into the living room, doesn’t say hi to me. He’s the one that cheated on me and left me on new years eve yet he’s the one acting like the victim. I don’t for a second regret having my kids what I do regret is having them with him!
I now can’t get rid of him and have to put up with him until the kids are old enough to make up their own minds about their dad. A part of me really hopes they’ll see him for the arse he is.
sorry really tried not to swear through that. Sorry for the rant post as well.
In other news the whole time I was in hospital I had a great friend and a great boyfriend who kept messaging me to see how I was. My friend has kids so couldn’t come visit and the boyfriend was driving 200 miles away as I was getting rushed to hospital. Knowing I have them makes everything a little easier to cope with. Knowing how much they care really helps. Everyone needs people like that in their lives.

Unexpected turn in events

So it’s been a while since I last posted, so I think it’s  a little over due.
Well the meds are working, i’m feeling so much happier then I did at the start of the year. The last few weeks have made me wonder what it was I saw in him. I thought about it a few times and struggling to come up with an answer. There must have been something but right now I can’t think of that is.
Someone told me you meet people in life for a reason. Was I meant to meet and marry him so I could meet Mr Right. I don’t know, only time will tell for that one.

So the unexpected turn in events. A few days after my last post I signed up to a site after remember seeing my soon to be ex husband on it. He says he was just on it for swiping. Anyway, the same day I signed up I started talking to someone. We met up the next day, and have talked every day since, minus one day. We have hung a few times as well. We haven’t really spoken about our relationship status but there’s defiantly something there. It’s nice having someone who makes me feel like me again and not just mummy or house wife. He makes me happy again, everyone has noticed how much happier I am and that is thanks to him and the meds.

Going to burst!!!

Ahhhhh, need to rant. Sorry maybe a long one.
New years eve my husband ended our marriage. We have been together 11 years. Married for 6. He told me he just doesn’t love me that way anymore.
New years day he tells me he kissed another girl.
He cheated on me, knowing how bad my depression has got, knowing I have low self-esteem, knowing he promised me nothing had happened!
He spends most of his time on his phone. 90% of that he is on his phone to her. Talking to her on messenger. He is currently  up stairs talking to her now. Has been for about 40 minutes. As far as his parents know we are trying to give our marriage another go. There is NO trying on his part, he doesn’t want us to work. I on the other hand do.
I feel like I need him, despite him putting me down when I feel good about myself (that’s never his intension he just doesn’t think) Despite him saying he’ll do things and then doesn’t has still hasn’t 2 days later and most of the time longer then that. He is all I have ever known. Come on I have been with him since I was 17.

I don’t think it would hurt so much if he wasn’t still talking to the girl he cheated on me with day in day out. Or if he hadn’t kept lieing to me about doing something with her.

On a good note though, I told my brother about the spilt and he’s going to help me with getting things I need for the new home, when I get a new home. Should be in the next 3 months as have a few charities helping me once the ball gets rolling. The husband will have moved out by the end of the month. I’m just thankful this is not a messy spilt.

It’s been awhile

A lot has happened since my last post. I turned 28 and because of how poor we are at the moment all my husband could do was get me a birthday card from our 3 boys. It was actually quite upsetting that we can’t even afford to get a birthday card. He doesn’t know how much it hurts me, he knows that my depression is partly because of our money situation, but doesn’t realise that the fact that he couldn’t even get a card from him self upset me.
My birthday wasn’t great. We found out that we had to sort out a removal van ourselves after being told that it would be sorted for us. We were due to move 2 days later, So yea a very stressful upsetting birthday.
Luckily my husbands granma managed to sort something out for us even if it was the wrong size van,  can’t complain she helps us so much when we need it. The van we got meant having to do 2 trips to get all our stuff to the new house. Now that’s not so bad if your only moving 30 40 minutes down the road. We were moving 4 hours down the road. That’s 4 hours one way. So hubby didn’t get back till 5am so he didn’t get much sleep as we had to be up to do the rest of the tip run and go get our boys as they stayed over their nanny’s the night before. What should have been a 4 hour drive turned into 6 and a half because of traffic, the car over heating 3 times and having to stop for dinner.
We’ve gone from living 2 minute walk from the sea front, close to a city to living near the country side where the closest city or town you have to drive to. There is a village but I think even that isn’t really walking distance when you have 3 young kids.
We have a little shop across the road so it’s not all that bad, a  fairly big park around the coroner and a indoor play area behind the shops. I’ve met a few people who like me are quite shy, so this helps me a little. One lady I have been talking to who I have met a few times also suffers with depression and anxiety and also has 3 under 3. a 3 years old and a set of twins who have just turned 2.
I went to the doctor in my new area last week to get help with my depression and other mental health issues, and I have to started the whole getting help process again. In the mean time there are a few groups that help people like me and I have someone coming over Monday for a chat. Basically they just sit there and listen and help in anyway they can while I wait to be seen by a therapist or councillor. Trying to explain what they do without saying who they are is actually quite hard. If I said who they are then it would give the game away to what my husband dose and with recent events not such a good idea.
I’ve been feeling low about myself again it doesn’t help I’ve been pretty bloated and my IBS has flared up and that makes me feel pretty ugly in it self. I do wonder if it would be worth me writing my feelings down for when I do start therapy. kinda like a mood dairy I guess. Maybe it would help them to help me a bit quicker, At least that way I won’t be taking up too much of their time. What if someone else needs it more then I do. I know I am an emotional wreck at times and my depression is just getting on top of me but there is always someone who’s worse off them me. Isn’t there?
Oh how could I forget, my baby sister had her baby boy shortly after we moved, we went back down the weekend after so we could meet him. He was adorable. I have a friend who at this very moment is in the middle of her induction for her labour. Almost seems as slow as mine, but for after 14 hours my baby was just getting distress so ended up having a section. I am really hoping that that’s not how it’s going to end for her.
Wow sorry wasn’t expecting to writing so much. If you stuck around to read all that thank you. It means a lot to have someone sit there and actually read the stuff I writing even if it is me talking a load of rubbish.

Things can only get better

The song currently being blurted out from the workmen’s van outside my flat. I don’t mind, it’s gone 9am and its quite a good song to listen to. it really beats all the techno stuff played on a Friday and Saturday evening.
Kinda sounds like they are listening to Wave.fm. It’s a local radio station for Hampshire and Dorset area.
Things can only get better” I do often wonder how true that is. Sometimes it’s hard to believe. I mean there is so much going on at the moment and the whole thing of not knowing what is going on regarding housing doesn’t help. Our land lady has given us our notice and we have to be out by the end of July. She doesn’t  want to do a monthly rolling contract. She knows hubby is joining the forces and knows when he starts, so she has given us an extra on that for the mod to house us. This is just adding to the stress as I don’t know what houses are like where we are going. I don’t know how many are empty. I don’t know if it’s going to be ready for us to move into when we need it.
Can’t you tell there is a lot on my mind at the moment?

To add to the stress my Avon isn’t doing well, the only person that is helping me to break even or just make a pound or two is my step-mum. She did a £72 order this time. If it wasn’t for her orders I wouldn’t even be earning anything at all as would not be meeting minimum sales . This really is not the job to be in when you are stupidly shy, suffer with depression and anxiety and suffer with body dismophier  All because you blame yourself for not being able to get the sales even though you are doing the best you can, and your worried about how people see you.
I really hope I can someday control all these feelings. I would say get over them, but I think that would be the wrong term to use. I don’t think it’s something you can just get over. It takes years of telling yourself you are better then how you see yourself, you are better then how you feel. I wish I could believe that, but at the moment I just don’t.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning. BIG MISTAKE!! where I am feeling pretty bloated (because of IBS I think) I look like I did when I was about 18 weeks pregnant. Now I know there is a very small chance of me being pregnant. Husband had the snip in February. That’s a point he’s due a test next month. Just to make sure the snip did work.

Sorry I have really rambled on today. But whats better a post that’s short and pretty much pointless reading, or a post that rambles a little and you get an sense of how the poster is feeling?
I know which I prefer.

 

Family post

 

My eldest has been off nursery all week due to having conjunctivitis in both eyes which ended up giving him a cyst in one of them, luckily it went away with treatment so now he can go back to nursery tomorrow.  I feel really sorry for him, in the last year or two he has had conjunctivitis 4 or 5 times. The doctor noticed he has had it a few times and its not something that is usually recurring, but thinks it might be the his body reacts to a cold or infection. I’ve told my husband next time he gets it I am taking him straight to a hospital with a walk in centre to get down to the bottom of why he keeps getting it. It can’t be doing any good for his eyes.
jameseye

That corner of his eye went so red I was surprised it was not bothering him.

Anyway this week we have started packing ready for when we move. We have no idea when we will move or where we will be moving too. We just want to be ready this time, be more prepared so it’s nit left to just me trying to do with 3 little ones to do deal with.
Today the weather has been really nice. We live right near the sea front so took this opportunity to get a bit of food shopping done not really thinking about the traffic getting back. Where we live there is only one way on and off the island. Traffic backed up a good 2 3 miles to get onto the island and that was on a small 2 laned A road or is it a B road. I think its a B road.
I have been getting the final bits for my holiday next weekend. I really can’t wait, as much as I am going to miss my boys and my husband I really need a break from everything, even more so with the way my mental issues have been lately.
Wednesday my husband had to take time off work because I was that bad. not hurt myself bad, would never do that but more worried sick bad. not being able to eat or drink because I just felt that sick and anxious.

Last night I was looking at old photos of my eldest of when he was a baby and thinking how much my youngest looks like him.
The 1st one is my eldest and 2nd is my youngest. I just think they look so alike. It makes me think will my youngest end up growing always looking simualar to my eldest?

 

Bad time

I know I have been pretty quite lately. I guess that because I don’t really want to keep writing the same samey posts. Lets face it, who wants to read a blog that is the same all the time?
The past few days have been pretty bad for depression and anxiety. I’ve been at the lowest I have ever been, I am actually starting to cry typing this, just because I have been that low.
My husband has had to take time off work because of it. I am grateful but at the same time he shouldn’t have to take time off because I am having a bad time. I get quite bad when my boys are poorly. It started of on Monday when my eldest came down with conjunctivas, a temperature and the sniffles. Every time one of them gets a temperature that’s it I panic.
yesterday his eyes started going red so took him to the doctors where his temp had risen to 39. luckily it came down with some children’s paracetamol. He is on eye drops 4 times a day, but now I have to take him back to the doctors as he has a lump on his eyeball. As well as that all 3 of my boys have colds and coughs.
I just feel so low at the moment. I feel stupid because  I feel like I shouldn’t feel so panicky every time there are poorly.
I am ending on a good note though.
As we were getting off the bus yesterday a few others were too. I told my boys to wait and let others off first. One guy looked around the same age as me tapped me on the shoulder and said “you are a really good mum by the way”. I don’t know who he was and he probably has no idea how good that made me feel. I was feeling so low I still kinda do but to hear someone who has only been watching me and my boys for all of 15 minutes means hell of a lot. I wrote a thank you message on my local facebook page in hopes that maybe he would see how much it meant to me.. I am not sure he’ll see it as he seemed like the type of guy who wouldn’t really use facebook, a too cool for facebook type of guy haha.

I don’t like it

Today was my eldest first day at nursery school. I think I did pretty well holding back the tears. When I went to pick him they had said he has loved being there and he was really well behaved. I hope he keeps it up. His learning understanding is behind so it can be hard for him to understand things going on around him. Sometimes He’ll go right in to a situation head first and not even think about it, like when his youngest brother was born. When we brought him home, he just wanted to cuddle his baby brother. He is such a loving child, others times he hasn’t understood what is going on is a sunday when the shops close early, he doesn’t understand why or when I tell him he can’t have something because we don’t have the money for it. Or evening sometimes the word share or when I ask him to find something.
Seeing him off to nursery school just made the last 3 years flash before me. From the moment I finally got the positive test 4 days before my birthday, when my consultant told me at 36 weeks I needed to be induced early, the first thought going through my head when I saw him for the first time. Holding him for the first time, taking his first steps a few weeks after my dad passed away. So many memories going through my head.
My second son was a little lost without him I think. He played for a little bit by him self but then got bored. bless him.
I can’t get over how fast the last 3 years have gone.

Disapointment

I don’t know why I feel so sad about it, I had a feeling I wouldn’t do well or as well as I would have liked. I would have liked to at least cover the cost for the products I needed but I have barely done that. I had someone want 5 order forms from me. was meant to pick them up today and have heard nothing from her. I’ve been to her house twice and have messaged her. I feel so let down. It’s hard to decide whether I should carry on, I guess I shouldn’t let just one person mess it up for the small number of customers that have ordered.
I have recently started working for Avon. I know its hard work running your own business, the last few days I have really lack energy and I think this is partly why I feel so down today.